That awkward moment when...

you realize no one cares to be around you. Actually should be called : That painful moment when you realize this is the 13th consecutive saturday evening you have spent alone, with your dog. Whom, is good company, but is jut not a human being.
I thought of posting, and probably will, that I will be home every night this week, and anyone is invited to come over and hang... just to see if anyone actually would.
Problem is, everyone is dating someone, or is married and has kids. So, when it comes to hanging out, I know no one. And the film people around here still haven't taken a liking to me, enough to actually invite me to do anything. But I suspect that will always be the case... because hey... I am that guy.
Unfortunately I have always been that guy that gets left out of the social scene, so I have to include myself on a regular basis. I mostly feel like I am harassing people to hang out with me, because Im persistent, and Im ALWAYS doing it. It still continues on to this day. but now I don't know who to ask to hang anymore, because everyone has someone significant to hang out with.

Thats probably why I have acquired a dog. Though Zoey has been very needy and annoying lately, I have had frustrations with her. I sometimes wish she would go away so I can have my freedom again. I feel like she is there, and I am obligated to take care of her for the rest of her life/my life, and can't go and live my dream because I have to stay within 1 hr of home, in order to take care of her.
She's a social pariah as well. Misunderstood, and has a hard time playing with others.
Today at the dog park, I heard some fat guy say "That dog shouldn't be here" and he was talking about Zoey. She barks at other dogs when they come on too strong, and she snaps at them. Fat turd face ass didn't like Zoey making his dog her bitch I guess. I wanted to follow him to a fast food restaurant, and as soon as he ordered, interrupt "You shouldn't be here." I'd whisper it too. I also wanted to yell at him but there were way too many people at the park and I didn't want the embarrassment.

Zoey's a good dog. She deserves better than I can give her.

I had a date cancel on me yesterday. Someone from POF.com. I was really looking forward to it too, but maybe its for the best she cancelled. I probably did something to deserve it. She had 2 kids and an x husband so it probably wouldn't work out.

I do desire a spouse by the end of the year. I wish to find someone that is interesting, witty, smart, and independent. Someone who wants to share life experiences together, be a partner in crime and in the arts.
Basically I feel like nothing is going on this year, in business, in personal life, in church, in dating, in the arts, and I am really really frustrated with it all.

I am frustrated ALL the time in many different ways. I am BORED. I am POORER than poor. I am LONELY.

and its probably all my fault.

New Years Again?!

What? Another year gone. Just kaboom its gone.
Little updates, I made 3 Sizzler commercials this year.
1 funded short film.
Acted as a lead in a musical, got a bit part in my first feature film as a Hitler Youth Leader, cast in a mocumentary and am quoted to improvised a line "you're soft... like taxidermy" and now the phrase has spun in to a beauty supply line,
finished 23 of 50 real estate videos, plus like 40 videos for work, worked as a camera operator for a reality show for 4 episodes then they made up a lie and dumped me, Edited one of those episodes, but it never aired,
Made 6 youtube videos and a trailer, had a read through of my feature length screenplay, found someone who could potentially be a producer for it... (fingers crossed), Got cast in a Hale show but dumped it cause its way too much time and not worth my time, got cast in a web series, did one episode with more on the way, wrote a short film (Zombo), writing a web series tentatively called Prohibit, started doing improv again and man I struggled in October/November... played with my dog every day except while I went to Seattle for some space needle action,
Watch 4 seasons of Jersey Shore
2 seasons of pawn stars
7 seasons of The Ultimate Fighter
2 seasons of Hung
All 5 seasons of Weeds
all existing episodes of Californication
all existing of Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, Dexter season 5 and 6, All modern Family episodes, season 2 of The Bachelor Pad, 1 1/2 seasons of The Walking Dead, 2 of the Vampire Diaries, All 5 seasons of Friday Night Lights, and a couple of movies.

No I don't have a girlfriend...

I also tried to go to the gym 6 days a week, tried to read Hunger Games, Dragonlance Chronicles The Legend of Huma, 3 film books... thats about it.

And I moved.

Zoey was only at the vet once, she had a bacteria infection in her digestive track. She is now happy, healthy, smart, incredibly fast and she is my world. I would break if she were not with me.

What else... hmmm...

I met a woman that I doubt I will ever get to see again. I am probably just very fond of the idea of here,   but it would be nice to at least go on a date with her.

Oh, I didn't go on one date this year.

I did turn 31 and got kicked out of the young singles ward. I now go to the reject pile 31-45.

But for Christmas I got an xbox of which I am very appreciative of.
Aaaand I spent New Years by myself and watched a foreign film called The Wave, which is really really good, I hope you check it out.

.............


New Years resolutions
Get Married
Complete 2 shorts, 2 web series, 1 feature all of my writing.
More Sizzler commercials, try and get a national spot with Lil Ceasars. Spot for Wing Nutz.
Pay off half of my debt.
Push my side business ventures with a heavy hand, otherwise they have a tendency to not get completed.
Have a core production crew that I trust.
Get on a specialized diet
Lose 15-20 lbs
Go to bed at 2am
Get cast in a movie coming through Utah, more acting gigs, more fun!
Go on a hike a month with Zoey.
Play more poker, Play more basketball,
be less snide to people in happy relationships (meh)
continue to try and stay positive.

yeah, Im gone, this proves it...

Sometime, I wish you would talk to me,
that you would know, just by feeling the night air, that that is my desire.
I wish you could hear me, from way over here, that I could
talk to a night star, and it would twinkle just so, when the light hit your retina, you would know...
Communicate with me, and let me feel that fire that burns inside of you. I want to listen to that fire crackle. I want to feel your embers pop. Brush up on my arm, let me know you're there, from way way over there, next to the sea. Next to the Hollywood sign, maybe thinking about me.... maybe?
I wish you could feel me, from toe to head, from ceiling to bed and all around the room with your sweet sweet eyes, and your body that just tells me lies...as it lies.

My heart wants to consume you, drink you and gulp you, then lick the bowl.
My intuition wont let me, protecting me, from improbability, and far too much sobriety. Logically, It will never be.
and I know.
so...
I'll just let it be, that thought of you and me, dwindles... and fades away.  In to the night air...
Can you hear my call, from way way over there, next to the oceans rise and fall?
Can you hear me at all?

dude...

I dont know whats wrong with me. I don't know what the hell happened. But I am so passionately down right now. My heart is heavy and I'm just not doing so good.

What ever happened to the Daydream Kid?

I am the daydream kid, or was, especially back in the day. It has been a long while since my heart has had a wanderlust for the fantastic, and lately it has been picking up. This brings a few things 1. More writing (which is good, no more slump) and 2. Disdainful projections of futures with women that I'm interested in.

So I hired this lady I found on fb a while back. I deleted her as a friend because when I extended my fb hand to her, I was in a major depressed and dark state and just wanted someone prettier than usual to look at. She was a good option. So, after randomly finding her on the suggested friends bar, I click.

Actress (actor, whatever. Female actors are Actresses and always will be)

Lives in Cali.

I set everything up to fly her out here. She's pretty nice to deal with. I begin to ritually tell myself "don't think about her! I don't want to think about her" So I would stop. I just didn't want to put myself in that foolish position, vie'ing for something that I couldn't have and ultimately wouldn't have.

So, my mind slips and I entertain the thoughts I don't want to have. But then I resume my chosen discipline.

Day comes that she fly's in and we work with her. Only was in the room with her for 5 hrs. I played my game. Didn't want to come off as interested at ALL to her, because 1. I didn't want to be, and 2. I wasn't.

But then I was...

Upon inquiring if anyone had seen the season finale of Family Guy and their spoof on Return of the Jedi, she says "Oh Im a huge Starwars fan."

Be-still-my-heart....

well, what am I to do from there? I just worked, and we worked efficiently, collaboratively, with lots of smiles. She brought up that I reminded her of a young Kiefer Southerland. I don't really know what that means...

Today, I feel foolish. I feel contemptible for even writing this garble that is pugnant-ly reminiscent of the crap I used to write 9 years ago. A friend related to a friend of his experience with her and the friend relayed that he was probably crushing on her. He proceeded to play out the scenario of my friend and her hooking up and getting married and that it "could work." and I thought to myself... how arrogant of me, sir, to even think that something that great and sweet would ever happen to me.

My friends, colleagues, meanderers of the blogosphere, I present to you today, for your consideration... this thought:

"You get what you deserve."

What does this mean, and what exactly does it have to do with courtship and pairing off?

Another friend, female, whom is married and made some sheisty decisions in her life once said "just because someone says that you deserve a great guy, doesn't mean you actually deserve a great guy." This got me thinking, and wondering about her situation. Did she actually deserve a great guy? Did the great guy actually deserve her?

Repentance is great, and is a true principle, but what about someones past? It doesn't change. Its still there to us humans. So do you really get what you deserve?

I've dated some delicious women in my time. None of them have stuck to me. They don't deserve me? Or I don't deserve them?

I just dont want to daydream about things I dont deserve anymore. So I'm trying to not do it at all. Its not too hard, because I dont run around with many single people. I dont much run around anyways.

Meh.

Dating past 30 is worthless in Mormon Culture

Dating past 30 yrs of age is worthless. In Utah and in mormon culture, you soon find out that since you have been getting asked to be married by the brethren and by God from an early age, that since you have not been married yet, you have mentally passed the point of being ready and looking. I, for one, am not excited in the least to date. I am not excited to kiss someone for the first time, not excited to get to know them, spend time with them, and go through the process over and over and over. I just dont want it.

Sure, I want kids, I would like to wake up next to the love of my life, but as of yesterday (saturday) I am not on the war path to make this happen.

Poor Utah. We dont drink, we dont go out for 1 night stands, we dont hit the night life where there is more potential in the outcome of the evening. We sit around, bbq, watch a movie and go home. Or, we go to church, have a dinner with friends, talk about why we are not married yet, then go home.

Or occasionally we find someone we are interested in, and they dont care because they are in the burned zone and they dont want to open up. Should you sit around and wait? Nope. Wait for that person? Nope. Schmucks do that. You must continue on... getting out there to bbq's, crashing movie parties, and not getting any phone numbers at the end of the evening, because no body really cares anymore.

Aint this the truth?!

Just skip February Please

Upon re-entry in to the real world, I have come to realize that, man things are tough. Its tough to not have enough cash. Its tough to let your self get hurt again. Its tough to be open and willing. Im pretty open to doing things. I like to experience stuff, but it seems most of the time, people are so caught up in their own stuff and their own little circle, that I don't get the opportunity to partake in the social atmosphere. Man this is such a freaking big struggle for me. Ugh!

Well, I have this girl that I like, though she told me she does not want to date me, we still talk and on occasion hang out, though I can feel enormous barriers that are in place. I think she is quite a quality individual. Much different than every single girl I've ever dated in several ways. But the fruit is verboten for now.

In the mean time I have to face the grim reality that I need to do some me work and not worry about the company of ladies all the time.

Blame me for wanting somebody to love? Foget you!