I get frustrated a lot. I get more frustrated with my career than with probably anything I can think of. Except for love... maybe.
Had a good conversation with a friend about comparing our selves with others and he iterated that it was a weakness of his that he would compare himself with those around him. I dont have a clue in what context but I was thinking he was envious of them and wanted to be like them.
I don't think I have that problem. My problem is I will see people with opportunities that are similar to those that I am trying to create for myself and I think... well shit... why the hell not me?
Why on earth or in heaven not me? Must be nice to be that person. Why cant I have that opportunity?
So I get angry, especially when I know I am basically at the same level career wise as that person. I get really frustrated because I know I can do a great job, and would do a great job if given the same opportunity.
Must be nice to have a husband to support your life while you pursue your film career...
So....
When does my chance come? Does it ever come? I fear it doesn't. I really genuinely believe that it wont come, and that I am just down here trying to make a career that really wont matter in the end.
Here's why I feel that way:
On my mission, I was never a Zone Leader, I was never an Assistant to the President. I was only a District leader, which was meh. I was in charge of another 2 elders and that was it. All my life I was pretty sure that I was going to be an AP because Im that guy who's in charge.
Well, during a zone conference, my last, I realized that I didn't need to be an AP or a ZL because I had served with an AP for 6 hellish weeks, watched both titles function and knew how to do their jobs without actually doing their jobs. So I didn't need the experience of the position to get the knowledge. I had been minorly resentful up to that point.
And so it may be with film making. Do I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing? Nope. Do I hope Im on the right path? Yep. Is it totally possible that since I now know how to make a film from beginning to end that I will not actually make a feature film in my life?
...yep.
