Over the past couple weeks I have done a lot of assessing, especially of why I am in the life positions that I am in, and why my belief in myself and my ever loving status in life has not changed much in the past 10 years since I graduated college.

For the most part I guess I can blame myself for everything, though I have really fought for opportunities, read great books, tried to align myself with good people, take opportunities, work hard, persevere.

Yet... It feels like I have gotten nowhere.

I moved out of a pretty okay situation to have my own place and a sense of being an adult again, but now rent is high, (Like suspiciously high plus utilities) and there are no gigs coming in this month and I have no idea if I will be able to make all my bills and rent by the 30th.

And in anticipation of that fact, I've tried to set up work for this month.

One thing I've struggled with the past month or 2 is feeling that no matter what I do, I will always be at the poverty line and wont be able to buy a house, or set up any retirement, pay into social security or even having a savings account at one point. So I looked into how I felt 8 years ago vs now and weighed how I felt then, vs now, what I did then vs now. What were my attitudes? What did I say to people? How did I motivate?

I wrote a lot out of college. I read good books. I tried to make good business moves and the business moves failed. Not because of me, but because of the others that were involved. They just didn't follow through, or presented road blocks, or didn't get the big picture. It just doesn't compute. And I find myself quitting and giving up, because I get the same result over and over and over.

It's the same damn thing over and over, idea after idea, blocked and thwarted.

I struggle so much with depression and it makes it so difficult when the same things keep happening. I find an avenue, its a winning idea, and then... (fart noises)

In July I'll be 39. I really don't know what to do to break the cycle. I can't do this into my 40s. I have too many skills.