Lamentation I guess

I get to these points where I feel like I am really cool with being single, and am ready to jump in to the dating scene and make things happen. Then I confront myself with a real life scenario, and I put up a huge emotional wall, and retreat my previous thoughts.

Maybe I'm ready, maybe I'm not. I am not sure, but I suspect that I will have to find out the hard way.
Talking to strangers that Im attracted to, is hard. I always feel like there is so much to risk because of the 'what if' factor. What if it actually goes somewhere and you start to feel something for this person, and they turn out to be like every other girl you've dated?! And in all honest, thats as far as my vision for a future goes: ending in tragedy.

I've always been super scared of my wife cheating on me. Its my worst fear in the world. I heard in high school of couples who get divorces but still love each other but cant live with one another anymore, and always felt like that would be me eventually. I dont know why. Just a hunch I guess.

I don't want either of those scenarios to play through. They both are terrible tragedies.

Then I flip over to see some pictures of this girl that I am always interested in, and she doesn't know it, and probably wont ever know it, and I feel like things are never going to happen in the love department. She lives in CA btw, so chances are way slim.

I try and look at things through a bright lense, and I try and say that I dont really care that much about marriage, just being patient. But as I am in my 30's now, slowly marching towards my mid 30's, I cant help but feel like if its going to happen, it should happen now. And if it doesn't, then it wont come for another 10 years.

And that, to me, would be a tragedy.

Because....
I want to be young with my wife. I want to have a younger energy with my kids. I dont want to be 60 when they are 20. I want to... oh fuck it. whatever.