it is all about me

It is all about me at this point; what I want, what I'm going to do, what I've done. Its all about my feelings and how I act. Its about how I conduct myself here in limbo. Its how long I sleep in this basement. Its how long I cry at night. Its how long I hurt inside.

Its all about how I keep getting denied. Its all about how I cant get away from girls who end up not liking me for who I am. Its all about me and my problems and how they affect her problems. its all about my feelings and protecting them. Its all about my past. Its all about about my future.

Its all about how far I can spit. Its about how I cant stand to live sometimes. Its all about how it would feel better for my body to bounce off of the side of a mountain in pure silence while no one is watching and wonder how long it would take people to figure it out. Its all about how I'm not qualified. Its all about how I'm at the bottom looking up and I really don't have anywhere to go. Its all about the nothingness that I feel. Its all about me being me and not being able to get away from me.

This time, its all about me. Not that I have changed, but that I don't know how to succeed.

Zombie Man

Since Saturday, I have been in a constant state, and it really hasn't varied, unless I do not think about it. I feel like throwing up. It is constantly in my throat and chest and I feel like throwing up from trauma all the time. I haven't ever felt like this and I am pretty good at hiding my emotions so I am dealing with it, but my constant state of living is what is doing it to me. I'm so helpless. I'm at the mercy of others.  And I have no choice, and that makes me want to vomit, all of the time apparently. Prayer doesn't make it go away. In fact God is silent. I am really on the path of doom. I feel like I'm just trying to be optimistic as I'm going to the hangman's noose. But what is there really?! I don't know. Whatever it is, if it is, its hidden, and I'm going to throw up on it when I find it, just for good measure.

99 things I've done since High School

1. Moved out of the house

2. Been to two colleges (SUU and WSU)

3. Served a mission (pittsburg, PA)

4. Lived in dorms for 3 years cause I liked it there.

5. Worked for the Utah Shakespeare Festival and wore a silly hat.

6. Was part of a Kissing booth

7. Got braces off

8. Fell in love with a girl.

9. Got crushed by that girl.

10. Wrote a screenplay about another girl.

11. Got told to go away by that girl.

12. Had perogies.

13. Went skydiving

14. Worked for Orkin Pest control

15. Attended my Mothers funeral

16. Dealt with worse depression than I really knew I had

17. Laid on the floor for a month cause I pinched a nerve in my back during West Side Story

18. Got "martyred" by a theater department

19. got over it.

20. Got martyred by another theater department, but overcame.

21. Took Earthquakes and Volcanoes 2 times, and barely passed.

22. baptised 12 people

23. Watched a family in Ohio explode and recover.

24. Watched an alcoholic quit drinking and smoking because she believed.

25. Filmed and edited my first short film "Yard Sale" still a hit.

26. Went to Medieval Times with my long lost brother by sheer happenstance.

27. Wrote a play that got invited to a national festival.

28. Cheated on a girlfriend.

29. Studied to be a personal trainer.

30. Worked in Jackson Hole WY in a Summerstock theater company.

31. Moved in to a friends basement.

32. Fell in love 3 times in a row and got smashed 3 times in a row. (I know how to choose em)

33. Fostered a dog for 2 weeks. (Senor)

34. Worked at a tv station.

35. Lived in Cincinnati

36. Learned texas holdem.

37. Said goodbye to a home.

38. Cried because my cat was my only good friend

39. watched 10 years fly by.

40. Doubted myself.

41. Tried to start my own company

42. Traveled to DC and trooped around in the freezing rain to sight see while everyone else wussed out.

43. Choreographed half of a show 

44. gained 30 lbs, some muscle

45. Got in a car wreck.

46. Spent New Years in Vegas 2 times.

47. Bought an Ipod for my own birthday.

48. got stood up on my birthday 2 times

49. Flew first class for free

50. Discovered text messaging

51. Joined and improv trouppe

52. Watched a dog chase a duck about a quarter mile

53. Had all night Starcraft parties.

54. bought a mac. (everyone should)

55. Broke a finger during a sword fight.

56. Actually stayed in a class after the teacher rolled her eyes at me

57. Voted for someone not on the ballot (Mitt Romney)

58. Read the Declaration of Independence

59. Read the Book of Mormon 9 times

60. Ignored my 10 year class reunion. Actually replied to the invite "hell no"

61. Got a speeding ticket.

62. Been saved by an Angel

63. Camped out for Lord of the Rings, Return of the King.

64. Camped out for Star Wars II

65. Watched my truck burn down.

66. Had a fit of Karaoke

67. Sang in SUU Idol and didnt make it past the 1st round.

68. got 2nd place at NATS in Las Vegas 2 times.

69. Went to 6 flags.

70. Lost my sex drive

71. Had my arms and neck waxed.

72. Painted my nails cause I was so artsy cool

73. Took Karate classes

74. Competed in a sound design competition

75. Forgot lyrics on stage. (like drinking acid death)

76. Found gray hairs in my head.

77. Went whitewater rafting 2 times

78. Decided that people ruin other peoples lives.

79. Weaned myself from mountain dew.

80. Worked as a vynl siding construction worker.

81. Saw Stxy and Reo Speedwagon in concert

82. Went to my Grandmas funeral 

83. Saw Columbine on the news

84. Watched the 2nd Iraq war unfold.

85. Watched America vote someone they didn't know in to the presidency.

86. became financially independent (yeah right, what a joke, help me I'm drowning)

87. Nurtured a grapevine

88. Took out my endowments

89. Been so confused about life that I stopped functioning.

90. Started a blog.

91. Stalked a beauty queen cause she wouldn't return my phone calls

92. Saw Blue Man Group

93. Regained my love for football and basketball

94. Realized theater wastes your time. (beware)

95. Downloaded and watched a lot of tv 

96. Was in a chamber choir for 3 years (best college experience I had)

97. Borrowed money from someone not in my family

98. Played spin the bottle

99. had 10 birthdays, another one in a week

Priority World Wide INC.

Friend of mine (rather an acquaintance) basically has posted on facebook that he is gay and has come out and is mad at everyone for not accepting gay marriage and basically also told everyone that the forecast is "gay marriage whether you like it or not".  

Now I've seen the birthing pains of gay closet exit-ers and have seen how raging they get. Its not a pretty sight. It usually follows a lot of debate of gay marriage and traditional marriage and the "science" that follows it.  That is fine and all, but man is it old. It gets old so fast and at this point in my life, I don't want to hear it. Frankly I think it is a waste of time at this point in our nations history, for the powers that be are trying to strip us of our freedoms right in front of our eyes and sooner than later, It wont be America anymore, states wont have their sovereignty and the definition of marriage will not be up for debate anymore. And the embarrassing thing about it is that half of the country got duped in to voting that evil in to office. Well, fool me once, shame on country, fool me twice...ya see, you don't get fooled more than once!  Its a done deal, and I am afraid that I will not be able to live a life I have dreamed of since my youth, all because people chose to be ignorant and not define a mans character, but define his color. (didn't we just spend the last 80 years trying to get away from that?) Boo! 

So, bravo for gay marriage activists! Good for you! Fight for what you want! At least you are taking the time to fight for your cause.  Well guess what, and this may be a huge pill to swallow... you shouldn't be worrying about yourself right now, like you have been for all your lifetime. Our country's crumbling. Wickedness is rampant. We cant even get boys to grow up to be responsible adults with straight couples, or split couples. Christ is coming...going to cleanse the world with fire... meek inherit the earth...etc etc.

Debate about the topic divides us and creates a lot of animosity on the gay side, lots of frustration and worry on the straight side. Why is that???!!! I don't understand that one bit. "See it my way! See it my way!" I do. Now you see it my way! Oh wait, you really don't care about my way do you. What if my way is the best way? You really don't care do you?!

So I just have a question to sum it up: What is the worst sin involved in this scenario: Homosexuality? or Pride? And does one perpetuate the other, or vice versa?

God knows. But deep down, you do to.

20 things I've learned during the recession

1. When the economy is crumbling, hire somebody that has experience balancing a budget. 2. Never take free money. Its never free. 3. Freedom is fleeting lately. 4. 2 party systems are for chumps. 5. Getting a job just to have the business go under 2 months later sucks. 6. Credit cards are a nice bandage. 7. I own a part of a lot of banks, car companies, and mortgaging firms but I don't get any say when I want to sell them. 8. The government is not in the business of running businesses. 9. The government secretly is in the business of running businesses. 10. Look at what the other hand is doing, always! 11. Socialism is scary. 12. Nepotism is rampant. (lawyers giving lawyers jobs) 13. People are kind. 14. Empathy breaks housing markets. 15. Latina's have better judgement than all White men. Period! 16. We don't have the best firefighters managing firefighting because of affirmative action. (thank you empathy. see 14) 17. I'm never moving to California. 18. Your XBOX 360 will kill your job search. 19. Democrats didn't know what "change" really meant. 20. Theater is a dumb degree to have when trying to get a job.

Who is this Clown?!

I cant believe that the guy who wrote the budget that would put us TRILLIONS of dollars in to debt came out and said on thursday: "This debt is unsustainable..."

Who is this guy? Is he a freakin puppet? Does he not let the right hand know what the left hand doeth? All you can really do is shake your head, but I really need to slap someone after hearing that...that....poo.

Prosperity in Creativity

Prosperity in Creativity

Where does it come from?

Is it in a shoe, or a hat, or a cat or a, gnat?

Is it in a light wind behind you that you don't notice till you aren't paying attention?

Does it creep up on you like salamanders?

Does it fall from the sky like a pie in your eye?

What does it smell like?

Is it rancid with reason or renounced with rhyme?

Is it sweet with success?

Is it under your morning breath pillow case?

Does it evade perfume?

Who has it now?

Is it a ball being tossed from blonde to brunette and back to the black?

Is it kept in a silver sliver or a slithering saunter?

Did God eject it into the atmosphere just out of vertical reach,

or did satan hide it behind the bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Where did it go?

Did it sink, swim, saunter, or sprint away?

Did it disguise itself with a number in your bank account, or shrink itself to the biggest amount?

Did you prosper when we weren't looking upon you or have you withdrawn till the time is right with heavenly light to illuminate your might?

Did you come and go; heck if I know.

Dear Creativity, please send your prosperity. 

etc...etc