Remember I'll Always Love You

So... I was an extra on this movie called Remember I'll Always Love You (exclusively released for German audiences, but shot in English) and this was my 2nd experience on the set with the cast and crew. The first time was at a house up on the side of the mountain and it was freaking freezing cold and all the extras were huddled around a propane space heater while telling glory stories of being an extra and how Zack Heffron hit him in the eye with a lazer. It was snowing earlier that day. We weren't complaining much although they made us wait in an open garage for 4 hrs before getting to us.

Today, I arrived at base camp and filled out my paperwork on one of the dinner tables and took the salt shaker and put it on top of my paperwork so it wouldn't blow away, I then moved the vase of flowers over a little so I could see the guy who was talking to me (another extra) from across the table. Little did I know the consequences of my actions. Ramifications ensued. From what do the ramifications ensue? you might ask? Well, I shall explain:

I got up to go to wardrobe, the last of us 4 extras, and started to walk off and turned around to find one of the cooks cursing at me. "Dont mess with my F'ing table! Here take your F'ing paper." And he took my paper and threw it on the ground. I was half astonished at this childish behavior but kept my tongue in check. Every single time this kind of crap happens, I have a flash of anger rush over me and I want to go straight up to the guy/girl and grab them and teach them a lesson in manners by berating them and then throwing them around. Alas, this fantasy will not be enacted today. "I'm sorry SIR. And they're's no need to throw my papers on the ground." "Well don't F'in mess with my table." I promptly walked off shaking my head in amazement. Later that day, that man cooked me noodles and looked me in the eye as he dished them on to my plate.

During dinner I sat on the ground. The tables were full and I didn't need to sit at the tables with everyone else. The makeup lady passed me by and said something about not excluding myself, and I replied "I'm doing good here, thanks." After I noticed people getting up, I got up and went to find a place at the tables with the other extras so I could cut my chicken on something other than the ground. A pair of sunglasses lay on the table where I intended to place said chicken, and so I scooted them over, for there was not an owner in sight that I could tell. One of the lead females in the film then, very deliberately, reached over and grabbed the glasses and slowly pulled them towards her, giving me a death stare. (or so I heard later on) "Oh, sorry." I said and sat down, not thinking much of it, but was curious as to why she grabbed the glasses so methodically in the first place. Not really caring very much, I finished my dinner.

Lessons learned: After much self reflection, I determined that I must attract drama. I don't know why. I don't know how. I just do and certainly don't mean to. I work hard, do my job, and then want to leave. Forgive me for wanting to stay aloof.

And the second lesson is: Be polite to everyone on a job. You never know who you are talking to. I may never make it big enough to hire a catering service but I know I will never being hiring them because of how one idiot treated little ol' me just for moving the salt and flowers.

G20 summit

I'm scared and its probably because I don't understand it all yet. Today Barack Hussein Obama, the "president" of the U.S. of America, basically put Israel on the chopping block and said he was going to take care of palestine. Now I seem to remember a lot in the Bible about Israel fighting and I know there is a lot of war over there all the time. Its like a turf battle that Obama all of a sudden says he's going to take care of.

In my uneducated opinion... No good can come of this. We already have radical terrorists trying to kill us all, and then we piss off one of the fiercest fighting nations in all the world? There is more loyalty and heart over there then you can find in Washington DC. It scares me. I cant see this not being messy.

On a similar note, I find people who continue to praise Obama bewildering. It must mean they are un-informed or are actually enjoying the ride with a big poop eatin grin on their faces. Political turmoil is baaaaaad. Especially from a presidential candidate who promised to have a non partisan approach to politics. I don't think its happened once since he's been here. But then again, I don't think he really cares about the people, just the power.

God help us.

Obama quote from school address

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

-Barack Obama

so....

it is all about me

It is all about me at this point; what I want, what I'm going to do, what I've done. Its all about my feelings and how I act. Its about how I conduct myself here in limbo. Its how long I sleep in this basement. Its how long I cry at night. Its how long I hurt inside.

Its all about how I keep getting denied. Its all about how I cant get away from girls who end up not liking me for who I am. Its all about me and my problems and how they affect her problems. its all about my feelings and protecting them. Its all about my past. Its all about about my future.

Its all about how far I can spit. Its about how I cant stand to live sometimes. Its all about how it would feel better for my body to bounce off of the side of a mountain in pure silence while no one is watching and wonder how long it would take people to figure it out. Its all about how I'm not qualified. Its all about how I'm at the bottom looking up and I really don't have anywhere to go. Its all about the nothingness that I feel. Its all about me being me and not being able to get away from me.

This time, its all about me. Not that I have changed, but that I don't know how to succeed.

Zombie Man

Since Saturday, I have been in a constant state, and it really hasn't varied, unless I do not think about it. I feel like throwing up. It is constantly in my throat and chest and I feel like throwing up from trauma all the time. I haven't ever felt like this and I am pretty good at hiding my emotions so I am dealing with it, but my constant state of living is what is doing it to me. I'm so helpless. I'm at the mercy of others.  And I have no choice, and that makes me want to vomit, all of the time apparently. Prayer doesn't make it go away. In fact God is silent. I am really on the path of doom. I feel like I'm just trying to be optimistic as I'm going to the hangman's noose. But what is there really?! I don't know. Whatever it is, if it is, its hidden, and I'm going to throw up on it when I find it, just for good measure.

99 things I've done since High School

1. Moved out of the house

2. Been to two colleges (SUU and WSU)

3. Served a mission (pittsburg, PA)

4. Lived in dorms for 3 years cause I liked it there.

5. Worked for the Utah Shakespeare Festival and wore a silly hat.

6. Was part of a Kissing booth

7. Got braces off

8. Fell in love with a girl.

9. Got crushed by that girl.

10. Wrote a screenplay about another girl.

11. Got told to go away by that girl.

12. Had perogies.

13. Went skydiving

14. Worked for Orkin Pest control

15. Attended my Mothers funeral

16. Dealt with worse depression than I really knew I had

17. Laid on the floor for a month cause I pinched a nerve in my back during West Side Story

18. Got "martyred" by a theater department

19. got over it.

20. Got martyred by another theater department, but overcame.

21. Took Earthquakes and Volcanoes 2 times, and barely passed.

22. baptised 12 people

23. Watched a family in Ohio explode and recover.

24. Watched an alcoholic quit drinking and smoking because she believed.

25. Filmed and edited my first short film "Yard Sale" still a hit.

26. Went to Medieval Times with my long lost brother by sheer happenstance.

27. Wrote a play that got invited to a national festival.

28. Cheated on a girlfriend.

29. Studied to be a personal trainer.

30. Worked in Jackson Hole WY in a Summerstock theater company.

31. Moved in to a friends basement.

32. Fell in love 3 times in a row and got smashed 3 times in a row. (I know how to choose em)

33. Fostered a dog for 2 weeks. (Senor)

34. Worked at a tv station.

35. Lived in Cincinnati

36. Learned texas holdem.

37. Said goodbye to a home.

38. Cried because my cat was my only good friend

39. watched 10 years fly by.

40. Doubted myself.

41. Tried to start my own company

42. Traveled to DC and trooped around in the freezing rain to sight see while everyone else wussed out.

43. Choreographed half of a show 

44. gained 30 lbs, some muscle

45. Got in a car wreck.

46. Spent New Years in Vegas 2 times.

47. Bought an Ipod for my own birthday.

48. got stood up on my birthday 2 times

49. Flew first class for free

50. Discovered text messaging

51. Joined and improv trouppe

52. Watched a dog chase a duck about a quarter mile

53. Had all night Starcraft parties.

54. bought a mac. (everyone should)

55. Broke a finger during a sword fight.

56. Actually stayed in a class after the teacher rolled her eyes at me

57. Voted for someone not on the ballot (Mitt Romney)

58. Read the Declaration of Independence

59. Read the Book of Mormon 9 times

60. Ignored my 10 year class reunion. Actually replied to the invite "hell no"

61. Got a speeding ticket.

62. Been saved by an Angel

63. Camped out for Lord of the Rings, Return of the King.

64. Camped out for Star Wars II

65. Watched my truck burn down.

66. Had a fit of Karaoke

67. Sang in SUU Idol and didnt make it past the 1st round.

68. got 2nd place at NATS in Las Vegas 2 times.

69. Went to 6 flags.

70. Lost my sex drive

71. Had my arms and neck waxed.

72. Painted my nails cause I was so artsy cool

73. Took Karate classes

74. Competed in a sound design competition

75. Forgot lyrics on stage. (like drinking acid death)

76. Found gray hairs in my head.

77. Went whitewater rafting 2 times

78. Decided that people ruin other peoples lives.

79. Weaned myself from mountain dew.

80. Worked as a vynl siding construction worker.

81. Saw Stxy and Reo Speedwagon in concert

82. Went to my Grandmas funeral 

83. Saw Columbine on the news

84. Watched the 2nd Iraq war unfold.

85. Watched America vote someone they didn't know in to the presidency.

86. became financially independent (yeah right, what a joke, help me I'm drowning)

87. Nurtured a grapevine

88. Took out my endowments

89. Been so confused about life that I stopped functioning.

90. Started a blog.

91. Stalked a beauty queen cause she wouldn't return my phone calls

92. Saw Blue Man Group

93. Regained my love for football and basketball

94. Realized theater wastes your time. (beware)

95. Downloaded and watched a lot of tv 

96. Was in a chamber choir for 3 years (best college experience I had)

97. Borrowed money from someone not in my family

98. Played spin the bottle

99. had 10 birthdays, another one in a week

Priority World Wide INC.

Friend of mine (rather an acquaintance) basically has posted on facebook that he is gay and has come out and is mad at everyone for not accepting gay marriage and basically also told everyone that the forecast is "gay marriage whether you like it or not".  

Now I've seen the birthing pains of gay closet exit-ers and have seen how raging they get. Its not a pretty sight. It usually follows a lot of debate of gay marriage and traditional marriage and the "science" that follows it.  That is fine and all, but man is it old. It gets old so fast and at this point in my life, I don't want to hear it. Frankly I think it is a waste of time at this point in our nations history, for the powers that be are trying to strip us of our freedoms right in front of our eyes and sooner than later, It wont be America anymore, states wont have their sovereignty and the definition of marriage will not be up for debate anymore. And the embarrassing thing about it is that half of the country got duped in to voting that evil in to office. Well, fool me once, shame on country, fool me twice...ya see, you don't get fooled more than once!  Its a done deal, and I am afraid that I will not be able to live a life I have dreamed of since my youth, all because people chose to be ignorant and not define a mans character, but define his color. (didn't we just spend the last 80 years trying to get away from that?) Boo! 

So, bravo for gay marriage activists! Good for you! Fight for what you want! At least you are taking the time to fight for your cause.  Well guess what, and this may be a huge pill to swallow... you shouldn't be worrying about yourself right now, like you have been for all your lifetime. Our country's crumbling. Wickedness is rampant. We cant even get boys to grow up to be responsible adults with straight couples, or split couples. Christ is coming...going to cleanse the world with fire... meek inherit the earth...etc etc.

Debate about the topic divides us and creates a lot of animosity on the gay side, lots of frustration and worry on the straight side. Why is that???!!! I don't understand that one bit. "See it my way! See it my way!" I do. Now you see it my way! Oh wait, you really don't care about my way do you. What if my way is the best way? You really don't care do you?!

So I just have a question to sum it up: What is the worst sin involved in this scenario: Homosexuality? or Pride? And does one perpetuate the other, or vice versa?

God knows. But deep down, you do to.