are you forgot or not

Are you forgot or...not? Big question lately, as my good friend takes stabs at my sacrifice levels, my x girlfriend un knowingly presents questions of self importance on me, and people are dying around me.
I started to think about 2 things...1: If I were in a serious accident, who would rush to be by my side? And...2: If I died, who would attend my funeral if anybody.
You ask these questions to urself, you think you come up with the answers, and then you come up with another question: what legacy am I leaving. For what your legacy and how it is weaved is what will bring people to ur funeral, bedside, etc.
So what's my legacy?
No freakin idea. Right now, doesn't seem like much. Seems like I have a couple of friends that I used to hang out with, and we've all gone our separate ways. I've gone to college, served a mission, had a couple girlfriends, wrote a play and had a couple good days on stage. I'm sure theyres more but I don't know of what significance it is.anywho, I don't have a wife or kids, a steady job, or a roth ira. No life insurance policy or stocks, dividends. I do have my dad, a blackberry, computer, car and a dog.(Good Zoey).
So what's my legacy? I've done some good art. I've helped several women be strong, get out of bad situations, kind of rehabilitate them, and then watch them move on. Would they attend my funeral? Probably not. Because I don't wish to talk to them for one reason or another. Mostly because I get mad at them for finding happiness when I can't, then I resent them and don't want to talk to them anymore
So what's my legacy? I went on a mission, which I think I resent still. I felt and still feel rid hard and put away wet.I worked hard for the majority, but always ended up slacking and not following the rules, thus wasting time. Yeah people were baptised, but they're all apostate now. My fault? Dunno. I don't think people change. Then mom died. I resent that too. That's what made me such a cranky , merciless hatefull person that is so hard to deal with. If you want to know why I am the way I am, look at my mission presidents philosophy, and then the effects of my moms passing.
So who comes to my bedside after an accident? Dad, maybe elise, maybe. The Hancocks.
Who comes to my funeral? Bout 10 people for sure. Maybe...

Life is not a movie, so get realistic.

Oh Boy Toy

A lot of thought power has recently been devoted to "why is Utah so clique-y?" I have several friends, and they are not clique-y and for that I'm thankful. But most of the people I go to church with, are socially snob-istic. I guess it all goes back to progress as I wonder why they are not married. Though I am not married and am the same age, I just have run in to people who don't want to marry me. They would rather marry someone perfect.

Progress is not:

Growing up in Utah, with the same friends.

Going to school in Utah, with the same friends.

Going to college with those friends.... then....

living with those friends after college.

Your brain does not progress the way it could if you continue to stay in a comfort zone. Why would you grow up if you are in the same situation you were in 15 years ago? I mean, what would you grow up for?

I dont feel like I need to be anywhere else right now. I feel like I am in a good, and uncomfortable poverty state.

Interesting thing happened to me today at sacrament meeting. A lady got up and started talking about how she had a young lady friend that had, in her patriarchal blessing, something that said "her talent in life would be to get young men ready for marriage" She went on to say that almost every single guy that girl dated, got married right after they stopped dating. I've wondered to myself if I am kind of like that. I sure come across a lot of girls that need help, I help them out, break down their emotional barrier, and then they get married. Its a total blow to the ego, but maybe thats why it happens, because I'm supposed to...maybe?

Stagnation Frustration

I farted. But thats progress right? That means things are moving in my body correctly.

I need to fart my way out of this house. This week has been "Please get out" and I would like to do that, only I don't have any means to. Tonight it was "sorry there isn't any dinner for you, well, not really sorry." And it was confirmed.

So I'm frustrated that I cant move out on my own or find steady work or be dependable for myself.

Zoey

I was desperate for something, so I went and drove 1500 miles, draining my bank account, and adopted a dog. Last night and today I feel like I have made a big mistake and cannot take care of this dog like she needs to be taken care of. She needs attention and play time and probably a farm to roam around in so she doesn't get bored, otherwise I feel really bad that she isn't getting the stimulation she needs to be a good dog.

I also am frustrated because I have to walk her 2 times a day and my ankle is not healed yet so its making me not progress in the right way. I might feel differently about the dog if I could run, but it still hurts to walk.

So, moral of the story, I feel like I have made a mistake and I need to talk to the adoption agency about returning her, cause she's a good dog, she just is too much for me, especially now that I feel I wont even be able to go to work and leave her here.

unanswered Q's

Yesterday my heart broke, but today is when I feel it most. I know my med's help with the blow, but mostly I can still feel today what happened to my heart yesterday.

My mind races and is hyperactive, and while I cannot change someones mind, I think I am a pretty reasonable person. I think I don't ask too much in being with me. But if I'm not your bag, Im not your bag I guess. Alana said you should just move on, but I want answers. I want to know who the dirt bag is. I want to know who the hell he is.

It would make perfect sense to me if it was no one, but it would also make perfect sense to me if it were her gay roommate that she was in love with, and didn't realize it. I've put the pieces of that together and it makes total sense.

I also want to know why she choses to not cope with her problems. This never made sense to me. I confront mine and I try and move past them, but when I asked her to go to counseling, she did, and then collectively mocked me with the therapist instead of working on her issues and moving past them. Its almost like she needs them so she can keep a wall up against men, so she can keep that grudge going, so she has an excuse to not get in a relationship so she can follow her acting career, so she always has an upper hand. Which turns out to just be a nuisance and a hinderance in the long run.

I dont understand why she drug me around so long. I don't understand why she wants to shake me off. I don't understand why she said "I have luck with everything but love" and she has love staring her in the face, begging to be with her, and she shoots it down. I don't understand who she is anymore and haven't since she graduated college. No one does. I don't think she even knows who she is, or what she stands for.

My heart is beaten and broken. I don't really know what to do at this point. I was convinced she was the one. I don't want my life with someone else. I have no other interest but her. I guess I'm just naive? Ignorant? I don't know. I guess.

I dont understand why she never reached out to touch me. I never understood why she didn't want me there for her birthday last year. I don't understand why she wouldn't deliver crutches to me after my leg was broken. I don't understand why she was so upset with me for ruining her evening when I hurt my leg.

I dont understand why she wont have faith in me.

and I don't understand why Im such a repulsive person.

Today my heart broke...