that there then this here

Today was a good day, a long day. A day of answered prayers and comfort. A day of a lot of pain.

It is no lie that I have something wrong in my head. I try not to be depressed, but it seems to creep up on my like in a cycle or something. I tried to lay face down on the ground and pray cause I dont like other outlets. I prayed for a long time. "send me an angel" please God, send me a messenger or something. Couple minutes later, a friend who wants me to do a video for her, that tweets me...@Angelasms, contacted me. Yes, I find it ridiculous that ANGEL was in the name, and she asked if I was ok.... Jeez God, could you be a little more specific? I got to laugh cause I haven't felt like prayers have been answered very often the past 2 years. A couple.

So, in conjunction with this experience, I made some din din, and a friend on FB contacted me and relayed an experience that made me feel a lot better about my life, like I was not alone and I was justified.

Today, I also directed a 9 page script that I wrote for a company. I am a professional film director. Bigger things to follow I suppose.

so.....blah....

The little company that was weird ass

Well, I've kinda hit a wall with this one. Im really glad I hit the wall because now I get to move on. I think I've done my time and its time to make feature length movies. If we make one, there will be more to follow, guaranteed. I don't put out crap.

Im really glad that I had the experience that I did last week, cause I've kinda been pathless for the past little while. I've been doing a ton of work for free, with the hopes of getting paid later on down the road, and it looks like that is unappreciated. Thats ok, it just hurts at first. I'm looking at doing more creating rather than finding.

Had someone once tell me that in this business "The work kinda chooses you". And I understand that concept. I don't think they did tho. If you get it to choose you, you will get stuck in a rut of not being able to do what you really want to do. You have to choose for yourself and not get bullied around by money. Stick to your convictions, ever learning, and head forward with your dreams.

Im gonna do that...and make some captivating movies. I hope you quote them.

L

are you forgot or not

Are you forgot or...not? Big question lately, as my good friend takes stabs at my sacrifice levels, my x girlfriend un knowingly presents questions of self importance on me, and people are dying around me.
I started to think about 2 things...1: If I were in a serious accident, who would rush to be by my side? And...2: If I died, who would attend my funeral if anybody.
You ask these questions to urself, you think you come up with the answers, and then you come up with another question: what legacy am I leaving. For what your legacy and how it is weaved is what will bring people to ur funeral, bedside, etc.
So what's my legacy?
No freakin idea. Right now, doesn't seem like much. Seems like I have a couple of friends that I used to hang out with, and we've all gone our separate ways. I've gone to college, served a mission, had a couple girlfriends, wrote a play and had a couple good days on stage. I'm sure theyres more but I don't know of what significance it is.anywho, I don't have a wife or kids, a steady job, or a roth ira. No life insurance policy or stocks, dividends. I do have my dad, a blackberry, computer, car and a dog.(Good Zoey).
So what's my legacy? I've done some good art. I've helped several women be strong, get out of bad situations, kind of rehabilitate them, and then watch them move on. Would they attend my funeral? Probably not. Because I don't wish to talk to them for one reason or another. Mostly because I get mad at them for finding happiness when I can't, then I resent them and don't want to talk to them anymore
So what's my legacy? I went on a mission, which I think I resent still. I felt and still feel rid hard and put away wet.I worked hard for the majority, but always ended up slacking and not following the rules, thus wasting time. Yeah people were baptised, but they're all apostate now. My fault? Dunno. I don't think people change. Then mom died. I resent that too. That's what made me such a cranky , merciless hatefull person that is so hard to deal with. If you want to know why I am the way I am, look at my mission presidents philosophy, and then the effects of my moms passing.
So who comes to my bedside after an accident? Dad, maybe elise, maybe. The Hancocks.
Who comes to my funeral? Bout 10 people for sure. Maybe...

Life is not a movie, so get realistic.

Oh Boy Toy

A lot of thought power has recently been devoted to "why is Utah so clique-y?" I have several friends, and they are not clique-y and for that I'm thankful. But most of the people I go to church with, are socially snob-istic. I guess it all goes back to progress as I wonder why they are not married. Though I am not married and am the same age, I just have run in to people who don't want to marry me. They would rather marry someone perfect.

Progress is not:

Growing up in Utah, with the same friends.

Going to school in Utah, with the same friends.

Going to college with those friends.... then....

living with those friends after college.

Your brain does not progress the way it could if you continue to stay in a comfort zone. Why would you grow up if you are in the same situation you were in 15 years ago? I mean, what would you grow up for?

I dont feel like I need to be anywhere else right now. I feel like I am in a good, and uncomfortable poverty state.

Interesting thing happened to me today at sacrament meeting. A lady got up and started talking about how she had a young lady friend that had, in her patriarchal blessing, something that said "her talent in life would be to get young men ready for marriage" She went on to say that almost every single guy that girl dated, got married right after they stopped dating. I've wondered to myself if I am kind of like that. I sure come across a lot of girls that need help, I help them out, break down their emotional barrier, and then they get married. Its a total blow to the ego, but maybe thats why it happens, because I'm supposed to...maybe?

Stagnation Frustration

I farted. But thats progress right? That means things are moving in my body correctly.

I need to fart my way out of this house. This week has been "Please get out" and I would like to do that, only I don't have any means to. Tonight it was "sorry there isn't any dinner for you, well, not really sorry." And it was confirmed.

So I'm frustrated that I cant move out on my own or find steady work or be dependable for myself.

Zoey

I was desperate for something, so I went and drove 1500 miles, draining my bank account, and adopted a dog. Last night and today I feel like I have made a big mistake and cannot take care of this dog like she needs to be taken care of. She needs attention and play time and probably a farm to roam around in so she doesn't get bored, otherwise I feel really bad that she isn't getting the stimulation she needs to be a good dog.

I also am frustrated because I have to walk her 2 times a day and my ankle is not healed yet so its making me not progress in the right way. I might feel differently about the dog if I could run, but it still hurts to walk.

So, moral of the story, I feel like I have made a mistake and I need to talk to the adoption agency about returning her, cause she's a good dog, she just is too much for me, especially now that I feel I wont even be able to go to work and leave her here.