The vent from inside the b-log

I get frustrated a lot. I get more frustrated with my career than with probably anything I can think of. Except for love... maybe.

Had a good conversation with a friend about comparing our selves with others and he iterated that it was a weakness of his that he would compare himself with those around him. I dont have a clue in what context but I was thinking he was envious of them and wanted to be like them.

I don't think I have that problem. My problem is I will see people with opportunities that are similar to those that I am trying to create for myself and I think... well shit... why the hell not me?
Why on earth or in heaven not me? Must be nice to be that person. Why cant I have that opportunity?

So I get angry, especially when I know I am basically at the same level career wise as that person. I get really frustrated because I know I can do a great job, and would do a great job if given the same opportunity.

Must be nice to have a husband to support your life while you pursue your film career...

So....

When does my chance come? Does it ever come? I fear it doesn't. I really genuinely believe that it wont come, and that I am just down here trying to make a career that really wont matter in the end.

Here's why I feel that way:

On my mission, I was never a Zone Leader, I was never an Assistant to the President. I was only a District leader, which was meh. I was in charge of another 2 elders and that was it. All my life I was pretty sure that I was going to be an AP because Im that guy who's in charge.
Well, during a zone conference, my last, I realized that I didn't need to be an AP or a ZL because I had served with an AP for 6 hellish weeks, watched both titles function and knew how to do their jobs without actually doing their jobs. So I didn't need the experience of the position to get the knowledge. I had been minorly resentful up to that point.

And so it may be with film making. Do I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing? Nope. Do I hope Im on the right path? Yep. Is it totally possible that since I now know how to make a film from beginning to end that I will not actually make a feature film in my life?

...yep.

Reconcile the stuff

Oh great, here comes the marriage equality arguments again. What a joyous time for us Christians, as we are called assholes and bigots and told that we are on the wrong side of history.

Blah Blah Blah... can we make this argument go away please?

Personally, I ache for the day where we can just talk about things and not argue things and not be mean to each other when little feelings are hurt and such and such and so forth. Makes me tired inside, just like it makes me really tired that Obama is still president and we still have 4 years left of him. *sigh*

So, lets stop shall we?

Lets stop calling people bigots. Don't be a victim of being a double standard for justice.
Don't hate on people that feel that they want to keep marriage defined as between a man and a woman.

The whole thing wears at me a lot. I like being in the thick of these arguments. I like seeing both sides so I can make a well informed decision.

I have it weird ya see... I feel that I want my gay friends to be happy, and yes I know quite a few because I am in the entertainment industry. I don't want to hurt their feelings. On the other hand I have religion, and I do want to be good with God and support traditional marriage.
Do I want to reconcile the two? Yes.
But I don't think its possible.
There's something in the back of my brain that warns me that if I let go of one, that the other will slip and go away and I will be doing something wrong.
Its like the only thing that is a huge sticking point for me. Its not logically "married" in my brain, nor will it ever be. So I try and remain neutral.
But something in the back of my head makes me think that there will come a day where I will have to make a definitive choice between the one or the other.
"Ye cannot serve God and Mammon."
Great...

Oscar Moment

Well we all want a piece of the pie and we hope that eventually it will make its way to our table. In my profession I suppose that an Academy Award is what is most sought after. I, personally, would love to win a SAG award or a DGA award sometime in my life. I assume that the academy will be around long enough for me to maybe do that.

For now I will just take the small victory of being able to do a feature with a sizable budget. If that day every comes, it will enable me and several people to make a footprint in the sands of movie making time. I don't want to be famous, just sucessful.

My short film Zombo, A Documented Incident was nominated for 7 Filmed in Utah awards this year, for Best Short Film, Director, Screenplay, Lead Actress, Makeup Design, Sound Design and Set Design. Its great to be nominated and make it past the popularity voting contest. I don't think I've ever won a popularity contest, so Im sure that it wont happen again. Im kind of a prickley pear, though I dont try to be. I guess I just am. Anyways, point being, it feels good to be nominated. Also is totally ok that we did not win. I feel like winning kind of makes you let your guard down and drop the intensity. And I need intensity.

I also recently (this week) finished my longest screenplay I've ever written. Its called Masque of the Red Death. An adaptation of Edgar Allen Poe's The Masque of the Red Death. We were thinking of shooting it this summer but it will probably be too expensive for a first time film. So we are investigating a film I wrote 3 years ago which doesn't have a title yet. Its a psychological sci fi film.

Hopefully... cause Im dying to do something.

Its like Venom inside me

It starts in my brain. Every now and then I can feel certain parts of my brain start to strain, like its cramping or contracting and then it creeps down in to my chest and just sits there for about a day or 2. The chest thing... if Im able to shake that, then its only my brain I have to worry about. Lucky me.

Then, what I should do, is chain myself in a room and wait till the full moon passes. For my transformation is a very pathetic site indeed. It is during these times that everyone should avoid me, or I should have my connection with any people in my life cut off. My mothers behavior taught me this. It is during these times where I do the majority of the damage to my personal relationships. I remember how it was for my dad dealing with my mom. No wonder God is sparing someone from me.

After 2 days, it slowly dissipates and usually goes away after a gym visit or after work. Then Im allowed to roam around the country and try and be productive, till it hits again.

As I've gotten older, the sensations have become more discernible than before. In high school, I'm sure people just thought I was moody... well sure! I guess I was! I guess I still am. And I wish I had more control over this passenger that's like acid to my life.

Onward, and sideways...

Somethings wrong with me?

You ever hit one of these walls and you're like... it seems like everyone is doing everything you've wanted to do all of your life, and in the mean time, while you go for the difficult stuff and it takes a lot longer and may or may not ever happen... anyways...

Things take a long time in the film world. And honestly, I can only HOPE that it will actually become a reality. I have no idea if it really will or not. I have no idea if God will actually let it happen.

God really wants us to experience the journey, so since there is actually a beginning and an end to each movie I make, I have no idea if I will ever see the end result.

I want to accomplish a lot but I constantly feel exhausted by projects. I have a very hard time trying to get into another project when it seems I'm starting from scratch again. These youtube fools have teams of support and business partners and I don't. I've tried to recruit but it always fails. I want to come across the people that are hungry for it. Hopefully I will someday, because I dont want to be stuck in my part time job, gaining weight and lying on the floor every Sunday waiting for the wind to blow something my way.

Im exhausted. There is no vacation in sight. Vacations cost money, and I have none.

Thanks.

Film Making

Film Making is hard. I dont know exactly how other people started off but, man, it is full of ego and blah blah, and bad experiences. Its full of you doing your job and then you waiting for other people to do their job. They may be procrastinating, they may be making excuses, they may be inept. Eventually you will find out. I know that artist are lazy, and I know when Im being lied to, so I just take it that most people are procrastinators and don't want to be bugged about it.

Others may be stuck in a way of filmmaking that may be out of date or out of touch and it is up to you to see through their bullshit and read their language or figure out where they're coming from or what the hell they are even saying.

Many people will demean you or throw you under the bus because they are either inept, egotistical, or have serious issues and they take it out on you. You will have unpleasant experiences starting out, but if you are strong and take time to figure things out, you will make it and be wiser for it.

There will be haters galore. People will say crap online like its their job, just because they suck. People will be negative for no good reason other than that's who they are.
"People are dumbasses."

People People People!

But on the up side, if you have been through this crap before in college, it bugs you for a minor amount of time, rather than consuming your thoughts, and then you move on and get things done.
I assume that the positive will outweigh the negative.

Minimizing the risk of negativity is high on my priority list. I just want to make movies and be around people who find joy and artistic satisfaction in the process with me. That's who I want to work with. I have no interest in peoples ego's. Ego's can kiss my ass. :)

And thats my lesson for today. "Like" if you know what I'm sayin'.

Long Longings for the elaborate lameness

A recent trip down to Cedar City with a few friends has brought to my attention exactly what theater should look like and what productions up here should aspire to.
I saw Titus Andronicus for the first time in my life and I appreciated it very much. It was very artistically done; with scarfs instead of blood, and red light changes and huge sound effects as key characters got stabbed and drained of blood. Lavinia did very well, shaking like a leaf, as she was wounded to her very soul (including her tongue and hands cut off). Some of the key moments and beats that could have been relished a little bit were skipped over in my opinion. Revenge is sweet wasn't the concept the director was looking for. None the less, satisfying. Not quite giddy. It was more like closure on the show for me, rather than pure enjoyment. Hopefully I will be able to either be in it, or direct it again.

On the other hand... I heard a song tonight that I purely associate with a girl that I hope will be mine some day (though I know it is basically the longest shot in the world) I got home today and felt so alone and not wanted.  It regularly goes through my mind that my ideal situation would be with this girl in California, though I know that it is vanities. She is too good a person to go for me.
I would go as far to say that she is the pinnacle of what I would like to have in a mate, but the last time I said that about a woman, and then went after her, she said that every time she thought of me, she saw darkness... which is awesome to hear from the girl of your dreams... No, it didnt scar me for life, thanks for asking.

I don't know how it will all work out in the future, but I suspect it will never work out. So I'm leaving it up to the wind. Throw physics to the dogs. I'm at the mercy of the unknown. And Im not at all excited about it.

I was gonna say something else, but I've been back and forth from browser windows and have forgot what I was going to say.

oil pan!