Oh Boy Toy

A lot of thought power has recently been devoted to "why is Utah so clique-y?" I have several friends, and they are not clique-y and for that I'm thankful. But most of the people I go to church with, are socially snob-istic. I guess it all goes back to progress as I wonder why they are not married. Though I am not married and am the same age, I just have run in to people who don't want to marry me. They would rather marry someone perfect.

Progress is not:

Growing up in Utah, with the same friends.

Going to school in Utah, with the same friends.

Going to college with those friends.... then....

living with those friends after college.

Your brain does not progress the way it could if you continue to stay in a comfort zone. Why would you grow up if you are in the same situation you were in 15 years ago? I mean, what would you grow up for?

I dont feel like I need to be anywhere else right now. I feel like I am in a good, and uncomfortable poverty state.

Interesting thing happened to me today at sacrament meeting. A lady got up and started talking about how she had a young lady friend that had, in her patriarchal blessing, something that said "her talent in life would be to get young men ready for marriage" She went on to say that almost every single guy that girl dated, got married right after they stopped dating. I've wondered to myself if I am kind of like that. I sure come across a lot of girls that need help, I help them out, break down their emotional barrier, and then they get married. Its a total blow to the ego, but maybe thats why it happens, because I'm supposed to...maybe?

Stagnation Frustration

I farted. But thats progress right? That means things are moving in my body correctly.

I need to fart my way out of this house. This week has been "Please get out" and I would like to do that, only I don't have any means to. Tonight it was "sorry there isn't any dinner for you, well, not really sorry." And it was confirmed.

So I'm frustrated that I cant move out on my own or find steady work or be dependable for myself.

Zoey

I was desperate for something, so I went and drove 1500 miles, draining my bank account, and adopted a dog. Last night and today I feel like I have made a big mistake and cannot take care of this dog like she needs to be taken care of. She needs attention and play time and probably a farm to roam around in so she doesn't get bored, otherwise I feel really bad that she isn't getting the stimulation she needs to be a good dog.

I also am frustrated because I have to walk her 2 times a day and my ankle is not healed yet so its making me not progress in the right way. I might feel differently about the dog if I could run, but it still hurts to walk.

So, moral of the story, I feel like I have made a mistake and I need to talk to the adoption agency about returning her, cause she's a good dog, she just is too much for me, especially now that I feel I wont even be able to go to work and leave her here.

unanswered Q's

Yesterday my heart broke, but today is when I feel it most. I know my med's help with the blow, but mostly I can still feel today what happened to my heart yesterday.

My mind races and is hyperactive, and while I cannot change someones mind, I think I am a pretty reasonable person. I think I don't ask too much in being with me. But if I'm not your bag, Im not your bag I guess. Alana said you should just move on, but I want answers. I want to know who the dirt bag is. I want to know who the hell he is.

It would make perfect sense to me if it was no one, but it would also make perfect sense to me if it were her gay roommate that she was in love with, and didn't realize it. I've put the pieces of that together and it makes total sense.

I also want to know why she choses to not cope with her problems. This never made sense to me. I confront mine and I try and move past them, but when I asked her to go to counseling, she did, and then collectively mocked me with the therapist instead of working on her issues and moving past them. Its almost like she needs them so she can keep a wall up against men, so she can keep that grudge going, so she has an excuse to not get in a relationship so she can follow her acting career, so she always has an upper hand. Which turns out to just be a nuisance and a hinderance in the long run.

I dont understand why she drug me around so long. I don't understand why she wants to shake me off. I don't understand why she said "I have luck with everything but love" and she has love staring her in the face, begging to be with her, and she shoots it down. I don't understand who she is anymore and haven't since she graduated college. No one does. I don't think she even knows who she is, or what she stands for.

My heart is beaten and broken. I don't really know what to do at this point. I was convinced she was the one. I don't want my life with someone else. I have no other interest but her. I guess I'm just naive? Ignorant? I don't know. I guess.

I dont understand why she never reached out to touch me. I never understood why she didn't want me there for her birthday last year. I don't understand why she wouldn't deliver crutches to me after my leg was broken. I don't understand why she was so upset with me for ruining her evening when I hurt my leg.

I dont understand why she wont have faith in me.

and I don't understand why Im such a repulsive person.

Today my heart broke...

The Throat

Looking on line at some of my colleagues work and artistic endeavors, a thought came over me which I've thought before but this time I write about it. Go for the throat. Why not go for the kill right off the bat? Why not go big or go home right this minute? I think I have always been an ambitious person, goal oriented, and swagger filled. And I cant help but think, for me, go for the throat right out of the gate. Go for the kill stroke first this time because the time is now. I don't have much time left, and I must kill or be killed I think.

Now that I write this, it doesn't make sense.

year end and out review.

I have a few minutes before I go on a photo shoot so I thought I would blog since I haven't in a while. Nobody really looks at my stuff or my twitter acct so this is just a form of therapy for myself.

2009 can suck a duck. It was a terribly rough year. I cried in fits because I had to do another semester of school, totalling 7 1/2 years of college, and I failed a class so that makes me behind 2 classes. So I will be doing that this summer so I can have that worthless degree. Worthless in the sense that it wont and cant get me a job. No one really cares about my degree but me and my dad, and maybe grad schools. And that might come later, but I'm not quite sure yet. The more research I do on the film world, the more I learn, the more I doubt I need to go unless I want some really advanced graphics training. There is no set career path for a director. You just need to direct and direct and direct.

Finished the first 2 projects for Timbershark Media this year. Kuru Footwear and Riley Jensens Varsity Quarterback. It was a pretty successful year as far as productivity, even if it wasn't paid work. We will get paid later. I did 2 shows, one was a one act at the college, where the director basically stabbed me in the back, and the other was The Scarlett Pimpernel at HTC. Theater people really have turned me off from doing much theater. Its not as fun as it used to be.

Oh, I guess I must mention that my play "Fire in the Bones" got invited to KCACTF in February and I got a shiny plaque with my name on it. It sits in a box till I have a home to hang it in. I am quite proud of that. I was the first one in the history of my college to have a self written play get invited to the festival. 3 plays got invited, out of like 120 so I felt pretty spiffy. I've written a little on it since, trying to make it into a full length, but that is a slow process for I feel like I've blown my uber creativity on it.

So, I write and try and write some more and hope that something comes out. I finished a 45 minute rant about being a poor middle class white guy this summer and it is in production. We will be shooting more when the weather gets rid of the snow on the ground. Its more than half way done.

Last weekend we took 1st place at the LDS 24 hr film marathon. That was an honor and a surprise. We didn't expect to win, though people on my team really really thought we were going to. I hoped we would, naturally, but thought we got disqualified last minute because of gore. Here is a link to a blog about the festival that mentions the movie:

http://wasatchwrap.blogspot.com/2010/01/ldsff-24-hour-marathon-screenings.html

Im really quite a happy camper. I have a good place to live. I can not pay my bills. I have a functional car and things are looking up, though I don't have a girlfriend, but have a best friend that is a kind and loving girl. I don't know what 2010 holds, but it seems to be ripe. Just don't let Obama step on it before we harvest.

Love