yeah, Im gone, this proves it...

Sometime, I wish you would talk to me,
that you would know, just by feeling the night air, that that is my desire.
I wish you could hear me, from way over here, that I could
talk to a night star, and it would twinkle just so, when the light hit your retina, you would know...
Communicate with me, and let me feel that fire that burns inside of you. I want to listen to that fire crackle. I want to feel your embers pop. Brush up on my arm, let me know you're there, from way way over there, next to the sea. Next to the Hollywood sign, maybe thinking about me.... maybe?
I wish you could feel me, from toe to head, from ceiling to bed and all around the room with your sweet sweet eyes, and your body that just tells me lies...as it lies.

My heart wants to consume you, drink you and gulp you, then lick the bowl.
My intuition wont let me, protecting me, from improbability, and far too much sobriety. Logically, It will never be.
and I know.
so...
I'll just let it be, that thought of you and me, dwindles... and fades away.  In to the night air...
Can you hear my call, from way way over there, next to the oceans rise and fall?
Can you hear me at all?

dude...

I dont know whats wrong with me. I don't know what the hell happened. But I am so passionately down right now. My heart is heavy and I'm just not doing so good.

What ever happened to the Daydream Kid?

I am the daydream kid, or was, especially back in the day. It has been a long while since my heart has had a wanderlust for the fantastic, and lately it has been picking up. This brings a few things 1. More writing (which is good, no more slump) and 2. Disdainful projections of futures with women that I'm interested in.

So I hired this lady I found on fb a while back. I deleted her as a friend because when I extended my fb hand to her, I was in a major depressed and dark state and just wanted someone prettier than usual to look at. She was a good option. So, after randomly finding her on the suggested friends bar, I click.

Actress (actor, whatever. Female actors are Actresses and always will be)

Lives in Cali.

I set everything up to fly her out here. She's pretty nice to deal with. I begin to ritually tell myself "don't think about her! I don't want to think about her" So I would stop. I just didn't want to put myself in that foolish position, vie'ing for something that I couldn't have and ultimately wouldn't have.

So, my mind slips and I entertain the thoughts I don't want to have. But then I resume my chosen discipline.

Day comes that she fly's in and we work with her. Only was in the room with her for 5 hrs. I played my game. Didn't want to come off as interested at ALL to her, because 1. I didn't want to be, and 2. I wasn't.

But then I was...

Upon inquiring if anyone had seen the season finale of Family Guy and their spoof on Return of the Jedi, she says "Oh Im a huge Starwars fan."

Be-still-my-heart....

well, what am I to do from there? I just worked, and we worked efficiently, collaboratively, with lots of smiles. She brought up that I reminded her of a young Kiefer Southerland. I don't really know what that means...

Today, I feel foolish. I feel contemptible for even writing this garble that is pugnant-ly reminiscent of the crap I used to write 9 years ago. A friend related to a friend of his experience with her and the friend relayed that he was probably crushing on her. He proceeded to play out the scenario of my friend and her hooking up and getting married and that it "could work." and I thought to myself... how arrogant of me, sir, to even think that something that great and sweet would ever happen to me.

My friends, colleagues, meanderers of the blogosphere, I present to you today, for your consideration... this thought:

"You get what you deserve."

What does this mean, and what exactly does it have to do with courtship and pairing off?

Another friend, female, whom is married and made some sheisty decisions in her life once said "just because someone says that you deserve a great guy, doesn't mean you actually deserve a great guy." This got me thinking, and wondering about her situation. Did she actually deserve a great guy? Did the great guy actually deserve her?

Repentance is great, and is a true principle, but what about someones past? It doesn't change. Its still there to us humans. So do you really get what you deserve?

I've dated some delicious women in my time. None of them have stuck to me. They don't deserve me? Or I don't deserve them?

I just dont want to daydream about things I dont deserve anymore. So I'm trying to not do it at all. Its not too hard, because I dont run around with many single people. I dont much run around anyways.

Meh.

Dating past 30 is worthless in Mormon Culture

Dating past 30 yrs of age is worthless. In Utah and in mormon culture, you soon find out that since you have been getting asked to be married by the brethren and by God from an early age, that since you have not been married yet, you have mentally passed the point of being ready and looking. I, for one, am not excited in the least to date. I am not excited to kiss someone for the first time, not excited to get to know them, spend time with them, and go through the process over and over and over. I just dont want it.

Sure, I want kids, I would like to wake up next to the love of my life, but as of yesterday (saturday) I am not on the war path to make this happen.

Poor Utah. We dont drink, we dont go out for 1 night stands, we dont hit the night life where there is more potential in the outcome of the evening. We sit around, bbq, watch a movie and go home. Or, we go to church, have a dinner with friends, talk about why we are not married yet, then go home.

Or occasionally we find someone we are interested in, and they dont care because they are in the burned zone and they dont want to open up. Should you sit around and wait? Nope. Wait for that person? Nope. Schmucks do that. You must continue on... getting out there to bbq's, crashing movie parties, and not getting any phone numbers at the end of the evening, because no body really cares anymore.

Aint this the truth?!

Just skip February Please

Upon re-entry in to the real world, I have come to realize that, man things are tough. Its tough to not have enough cash. Its tough to let your self get hurt again. Its tough to be open and willing. Im pretty open to doing things. I like to experience stuff, but it seems most of the time, people are so caught up in their own stuff and their own little circle, that I don't get the opportunity to partake in the social atmosphere. Man this is such a freaking big struggle for me. Ugh!

Well, I have this girl that I like, though she told me she does not want to date me, we still talk and on occasion hang out, though I can feel enormous barriers that are in place. I think she is quite a quality individual. Much different than every single girl I've ever dated in several ways. But the fruit is verboten for now.

In the mean time I have to face the grim reality that I need to do some me work and not worry about the company of ladies all the time.

Blame me for wanting somebody to love? Foget you!

Year In Review #2

Wow 2010, you were a rough bitch. I thought that I cried enough in 2009, but 2010 was definitely the worst year I have ever had.

It was filled with getting my heart broken,

both my feet broken,

my glasses broken,

my bank broken,

my ego broken,

friendships broken,

hopes broken,

future plans broken,

trusts broken,

car broken,

password broken,

dogs eyelid broken,

creativity broken,

and a veritable plethora of other things being broken... I got bucked off a freakin horse!

But...

I rebuilt...

My creativity,

my dogs eyelid,

car,

some trust in OTHER DIFFERENT people,

reincarnated future plans,

hopes (no matter how weakly this flame flickers, its there regularly)

friendships,

bank...kinda,

and my feet rebuilt themselves.

No glasses yet, but hopefully soon.

I just hope to be able to continue to purge negativity out of my life, while bypassing the wantabee's and egotists and forge a strong and sure path towards doing things that are fulfilling and life enriching.

I want to hike more with my dog.

I want to finish my damn college degree.

I want to find a lover that will be mature and giving.

I want to celebrate holidays HARDER!

I want to make at least 4 films. At LEAST.

And I have to make 500,000 this year. I only have a year and a half to become a millionaire.

So giddyap!

Bloggamy

I am committing Bloggamy. Its dirty, nasty and nerdy all at the same time.

I miss the sunlight. I've been crying or on the verge of crying a lot lately. I must be emotional from not having any money to spare. I hate not having enough money. I work 6 days a week and still dont have enough. Life shouldn't be like this.

Zoey ate a whole batch of un-cooked rolls tonight. It really upset me because I was enjoying the spirit felt from church but it soon turned in to extreme anger. I went to dinner, and then fell asleep on Blakes couch after I got there. Me no likey be so emotional so often.

I think there are a lot of women to date out there. I think I come across them a lot but I am not sure if my heart recognizes it. Most of the time I still feel dead towards women, though I would like to have some of their company.

One girl I know doesn't want to play games and I think that that is impossible to do. It wont be fun if no games are played, and if you are waiting on signals, then nothing will happen because the game isn't going to be played.

I want enough money, thats all I want.

Im moving next week.