Yo, is it windy in here?

Or is it just me?!
Cause you know it be goin down at my place.

First off, there has been a lot going through my head since I went to LA 2 weeks ago. A lot of information was dumped in to my little head. We also socialized a lot and made some connections. By the Monday of the trip, I needed a break. I went to the beach and dawned my chest to the ocean as it lapped around my ankles and knees. Trying to get as low as possible, I ducked my head in a couple times and lost my breath a couple times because of the temperature.
The significance of this event wasn't much. I stood out there and looked at the ocean and thought about how it brought so much joy to people, yet could be such a scary and devastating force.
I laid on the beach for an hour and listened to music until I was too cold to stay.
A typhoon hit Haiti a couple days later.

That night, I sat and ate seafood on the Santa Monica pier with a lovely, impressive, delicious woman. We finished and walked to the edge of the pier where gangsters were throwing fishing lines. One caught a crab and we took a gander at it as it pinched the walls of a bucket.
We talked about the universe, spirituality, how she thought a light coming towards us was one of those self lit lanterns. I thought it was a plane. It was.
The sea lions played in the water as we talked.

We walked back to the car, talking of books, and she drove me home where we stayed in her car for another hour talking about apostate dealings of Joseph Smith. It was probably one of the deepest conversations I have ever had or at least that I can recollect. I came away upset. I really like this girl, but hate the timing of our paths crossing again. I'm on a good path. She's on a journey.

So, the conversation got me to thinking and asking questions that I've never really asked before, or maybe I've never really taken them seriously. 1. Can you marry someone who's a non believer, and reconcile that with God? 2. What could I do from here for this human being? 3. WTF?

1. I came to the conclusion, just a few days ago that... yes, you can marry someone outside of the LDS faith, have a perfectly beautiful life, and progress from there. Maybe that's what you need. Maybe that's more beneficial to you and that's the path you've been given for several reasons. I laughed at myself for about 10 minutes. If this was to be my trial... yeah of course it was. Of course. Thanks a lot. But... someone's gotta do it.

2. Her spiritual journey had nothing to do with me. I read Ether 12:6 just haphazardly opening up the BOM for answers, and it said that you will receive no witness until after the trial of your faith, and as I read the rest of the chapter, I understood that this was not about me at all, and that I was not needed for this. All I could do was love her and be a sounding board of information, but not to push her one way or another. Which is a difficult thing, because I love spirited debate.

3. WTF! Yeah! WTF! My dad visited this weekend, and as we were talking over burgers at Culvers, I told him of the scenario. He said to me, "If you want to get married outside of the church, I will come to your wedding. (insert smile)." This took me by surprise. "But good luck." Said about the scenario and my decision making. Ultimately, I don't think its going to go anywhere. But it has been nice thinking about, figuring out, and finding out what is up.

Its' distressed me, I'm not gonna lie. She would be a great spouse. She has the things I've been telling myself I've wanted in a wife since HS. I might not find another one like this.

Anyways, Friday I had a meeting with my boss. There's a lot to this story as well, but to sum it up, I felt like I was being lied to or something. I had been asked to edit some videos by the VP of marketing, and I sent a preview asking what I needed to change or add, and never heard back from him or the president of the company. Instead, Wednesday, they bring in a little 20 yr old soda jerk to make videos and borrow the cameras. I asked myself and a couple co workers.... "why aren't I the one making videos for the company?"

Who the fuck knows.

So, in this meeting I find out that the president of the company wasn't thrilled about my work so they got a guy to do it. No idea why. Still don't know why, but I'm told I'm not approachable and that's probably why. My boss was just kind of in awe of himself and why he let me get away with things. What things? Come in at 11:15? Who cares? Text you and miss another day of work when I have no way of coming home? Don't be an asshole. I put up with your shit for 3 years, and I've been a hostage of a corporation with an hourly wage with people that just wont "develop and foster (me) from within."

And I was just done. So I said a little prayer in my head asking if it was a good decision and I got a warm feeling in my chest and I resigned. Tired of the bull shizzm. Tired of feeling like I'm second rate, putting forth the effort, not getting any return from my efforts, and tired of the looming displeasure of my boss which I know is there. DONE. Don't ever call me un-loyal to the company. I threw myself on my sword for the training department.

I have no back up plan, but it doesn't matter. I'll figure something out. I know God has my back. I'm peaceful and happy.

During the past month or so, I've felt guided and led and protected and enabled. Mostly guided though. I've gained a lot of answers to prayers though searching and pondering and discussions with others. I feel like I'm in uncharted waters and I'm unnerved. Hopefully this next year will be a good busy year and we can make some movies and some money.

And avoid all the BS.
Update... the next day this wonder girl told me she didn't want to date me and would rather date this fitness model she is seeing. #ofcourse.

Post Title - Season of changelings?

It must be a season of change.
Everything is about to change I think. I guess I built it, and here it comes, like a franken-career.
And Im a little scared, humbled, upset.
Most of my friends have been hitched. Its like all of these different but familiar avenues are closing. Im turning to watch the door slowly close behind me. Who the hell knows what happens next.
Whatever happens though, I will have my ultimate co pilot by my side and will include her as often as possible. And I know that if one door closes, another opens, or you may be stuck with a fart in there.

Going to LA this next week. To learn, to sell ideas, to find another part of my life.
Roommate of 3 years and good friend is moving out of the house to be closer to work. Who knows why exactly. I had a half hour talk with him the other night in the kitchen and told him how it hurts my feelings when I give him opportunities and he dumps them and drops the ball. Had a lecture about finding that burning desire inside. I think that struck a chord. But look what happened, he's moving out.
Away from me.
No idea what happens next. But I hope its fun! And I hope it involves some MONEY!

Sexy Sexington

Constantly we should be on a quest to better ourselves.
I know what I need to work on, mostly.
I can make a list of my weaknesses and work on them, but I think the one thing that has been difficult to me is to respect women sexually... in my mind. I wish to do this task. I think it is an honorable trait. I also think that there is too much mental time wasted thinking about sex and one could be more productive if s/he avoided those thought.
My mission president, President Crump, gave a zone conference on it once upon a time. I was interested in the content. He said that the greatest amount of sin happens up here (points to his head). Its like a playground for sin. The possibilities are endless really.

You know what helps though... when women respect themselves. A strong woman who dresses and acts smart, is super sexy and tantalizing. Someone that stands for something and isn't caddy to those around her behind their backs. Someone who knows what she wants.

Im still asking God to help me figure out how to respect women more. Its a process... I guess.

You know what doesn't help... being told to not think of sex all your life.

A couple of things

Well, I dunno... Odd couple of days.
Emotionally...

First, I came down with a cold friday during the day at work. I could feel its slow onset creeping in my soft pallet for a couple hours, but I went to work out anyway. It was arms day, and not too strenuous, plus I'm concerned about my forearms and would enjoy it if they were a bit beefier.
Well while at the gym, I have noticed this woman, probably a little younger than me. Definitely pretty. Definitely pregnant... I've seen her a couple of times but this time, maybe it was the Carey Underwood on pandora, maybe I was a little sick and vulnerable, not having my usual ferocity about me, but I felt way amorous towards this woman. I haven't seen a ring on her finger yet. I figure she is pregnant and working out and the takes it off because her hands swell up. Just guessing, but then even if you were to approach a pregnant woman, how would you do that? Just strike up a conversation? I dunno! Do I want to? I dunno. Probably. I felt so tender towards her. Maybe its just my stupid bleeding desperate heart. Maybe I'll give a glancing "Hi" if I ever get to walk by her again.
She has 2 other kids btw. As I was exiting the workout place I saw her eating with her kids.

Second, I just tried to film the wedding from hell. They were supposed to get married outside but there was lightening and way too much rain, so they moved in to a tent, and then as they were starting the ceremony, the lights went off. And on. And off.  Then the mic went out... and on... and off again...
The group was very positive thought. It worked out well for them. But I had a hard time keeping my shiz together, cause I'm sick. I screwed up a few times.
But seeing all the single girls there messes with you. I saw this girl as I was walking in. She was a girl we had interviewed the week before, at Westminster college. Really cute. Math and accounting nerd.
Messes with you.
Oh and the girl that arrived later that had a superior posterior. I have no idea how that thing got formed but man was it big and impressive.

Third, my friend whom I used to make out with and spend time talking to has left the one true religion, then she announces she is getting a divorce. JEEEZ! What the hell! And I don't think she is going to talk to me about it, but hopefully she will. I care for her. She can make up her own mind about things, but I get super curious about what makes people tick. Maybe she will come around. I was super sad when she got married and tried to be positive, but really all I was was jealous.

My ears are ringing. My nose is running. And I also did not have enough money to buy cold medicine this morning. That was super unexpected. My bank account lied to me last weekend. So I had to suffer through the day with the generic stuff that is old and left over that I have. Luckily I filmed a wedding today, so I have money.
All about timing.

Irritation on my inner thighs and under buttox

Today was super irritating, on almost every level except being with my dog. She was thankfully level headed and non bias. (except being extremely bias towards me.)

My job is irritating. There was an ad agency here in town that was hired to do commercials for a particular restaurant and they botched the contracts with the actors. So the guy in charge comes to me and asks me about contracts. I give him my low down, and everybody agrees the ad agency is at fault. Well I immediately tell them I want the commercials back. And then I tell them again. And so what does the company do??? They go to another production house in town to do food shots. On top of that, they decide to go with another ad agency out of Chicago that cant find talent under 1000 a day plus 30%. I say I can get talent for half that, and in fact I can do everything they can do for half the price and just a good a product.

No response.

So maybe, just MAYBE something good will happen, but I have severe doubts. Then I see on line that there is someone taking stills at a restaurant that the company I work for is opening up and it ISN'T ME TAKING THE PICTURES! Maybe it was a news paper guy but the caption, "good and cheap" really did nothing for my emotional stability.

Thoughts after things like this include "Why don't I just move on? Why don't I quit? Why the heck not? What's keeping me here?"

I guess if I took the plunge, God would have my back. Maybe I should.

I'm frustrated with people at the gym stealing my spot as soon as I walk away. I tried to keep my place with a shakey cup, but no one really cared. New gym. New people,

Also frustrated with my improv troupe guys. They talk about integrity of the show then kind of act like whiners at the first sign of trouble. They bail which is super frustrating because to me... they ARE the integrity of the show. So to take your ball and go home is lame.

So... what should I do?

I'm super frustrated with a colleague of mine (yes if anyone I know reads this, I'll deal with the repercussions) as we have been waiting on a finalized website for 3 years now and still have no finalized website. A month ago he said that the site was programmed, it just needed to be chopped up and put in to place graphic wise. So, I was like... YEAH! Finally! If this website sold anything I could quit my fucking job and live off the residuals. But NOOOOO..... The chopping that was supposed to take one hour of someones time, has not happened yet.

So frustrating. He says its frustrating to him, but its more frustrating to me, cause it pins me down and there's nothing I can do about it.

In addition to all that, I see that people are recommending other people for demo reels, yet I have been doing demo reels for 4 years now.
I just don't understand it here. Is it me? Are people scared? Do people not like my vision? Am I non conventional? Not vanilla enough?

makes my butt sweaty until there's a heat rash down there.

The vent from inside the b-log

I get frustrated a lot. I get more frustrated with my career than with probably anything I can think of. Except for love... maybe.

Had a good conversation with a friend about comparing our selves with others and he iterated that it was a weakness of his that he would compare himself with those around him. I dont have a clue in what context but I was thinking he was envious of them and wanted to be like them.

I don't think I have that problem. My problem is I will see people with opportunities that are similar to those that I am trying to create for myself and I think... well shit... why the hell not me?
Why on earth or in heaven not me? Must be nice to be that person. Why cant I have that opportunity?

So I get angry, especially when I know I am basically at the same level career wise as that person. I get really frustrated because I know I can do a great job, and would do a great job if given the same opportunity.

Must be nice to have a husband to support your life while you pursue your film career...

So....

When does my chance come? Does it ever come? I fear it doesn't. I really genuinely believe that it wont come, and that I am just down here trying to make a career that really wont matter in the end.

Here's why I feel that way:

On my mission, I was never a Zone Leader, I was never an Assistant to the President. I was only a District leader, which was meh. I was in charge of another 2 elders and that was it. All my life I was pretty sure that I was going to be an AP because Im that guy who's in charge.
Well, during a zone conference, my last, I realized that I didn't need to be an AP or a ZL because I had served with an AP for 6 hellish weeks, watched both titles function and knew how to do their jobs without actually doing their jobs. So I didn't need the experience of the position to get the knowledge. I had been minorly resentful up to that point.

And so it may be with film making. Do I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing? Nope. Do I hope Im on the right path? Yep. Is it totally possible that since I now know how to make a film from beginning to end that I will not actually make a feature film in my life?

...yep.

Reconcile the stuff

Oh great, here comes the marriage equality arguments again. What a joyous time for us Christians, as we are called assholes and bigots and told that we are on the wrong side of history.

Blah Blah Blah... can we make this argument go away please?

Personally, I ache for the day where we can just talk about things and not argue things and not be mean to each other when little feelings are hurt and such and such and so forth. Makes me tired inside, just like it makes me really tired that Obama is still president and we still have 4 years left of him. *sigh*

So, lets stop shall we?

Lets stop calling people bigots. Don't be a victim of being a double standard for justice.
Don't hate on people that feel that they want to keep marriage defined as between a man and a woman.

The whole thing wears at me a lot. I like being in the thick of these arguments. I like seeing both sides so I can make a well informed decision.

I have it weird ya see... I feel that I want my gay friends to be happy, and yes I know quite a few because I am in the entertainment industry. I don't want to hurt their feelings. On the other hand I have religion, and I do want to be good with God and support traditional marriage.
Do I want to reconcile the two? Yes.
But I don't think its possible.
There's something in the back of my brain that warns me that if I let go of one, that the other will slip and go away and I will be doing something wrong.
Its like the only thing that is a huge sticking point for me. Its not logically "married" in my brain, nor will it ever be. So I try and remain neutral.
But something in the back of my head makes me think that there will come a day where I will have to make a definitive choice between the one or the other.
"Ye cannot serve God and Mammon."
Great...