During the course of my life I've felt like I've been consistently put on the "B" team.
It all started in 7th grade, when I tried out for the school basketball team and was told by one of the coaches that I didn't make the A team as a point guard because I was "needed" on the B team to help make them better. Now that's the type of gobble de gook you eat as a kid, and I ate it wanting to play basketball and win some games.
I'd consistently drive down the lane and dish the ball. Years later, I have no idea what my percentages were, but I'm sure there is some game film on vhs somewhere in my dads house right now. I did my job and I tried to do it well, but when you play with the B team, you don't progress past B team skill because you don't play with A team players very consistently. That year I got in to the finals of a free throw shooting contest between me and Scott (last name forgotten) the quarterback of the football team, taller than I was, weighed more and I believe was also the pitcher on the baseball team.
First round I made 9 of 10 shots and so did he. Second round I made 8, he made 9. There was no applause, there were no trophies. I think a new basketball was at stake.
From that point on, I played on alternate teams. I strive-d to be a better player. There was only one guy that could dribble as good as I can with my left hand, and he was a black kid from central and he was left handed.
Then came high school. I made the freshman basketball team, only to sit bench and play 2 minutes average a game. I always got fouled. I always scored 2 free throws.
I injured my back that year, in a game, and the coach ignored it. I asked to be taken out of a game after going up for a rebound and tweaking my back. I had to go to the doctor to get it re adjusted a couple of times. I also got expelled for throwing a fit at a school vice principal because they wouldn't tell me why I was in the principals office. Later I found out my mom had called them to get me because I brought a smoke flair as a white elephant gift to first period seminary. So, that drove me nuts, and got me expelled for a day. The coach asked me why I did it, and I told him the truth, but it was like he didn't want to believe me.
Later that year at basketball camp for JV, the JV coach paired me up with a guy that was taller and probably 30 lbs heavier than me and kept running a box out drill that I couldn't do because Seth kept pushing me over. Since I felt the coach was a dick about it, I did not show up for JV tryouts the next year.
So I moved on to soccer. Soccer I excelled at, or maybe I just had a really good coach that placed me well as a JV player. I played a lot that year, with my friends, on a pretty decent team. I had fun, felt needed, and skilled.
Junior year, I took a skills camp, that was like 6 hours a day for a week, from some dutch coaches, and my skills were top notch. I felt like I was a magical master but when it came time for tryouts, I didn't make the team. New coach that year. I did play my senior year, but sat bench the majority of the time. The coach was a dick and we still make fun of him. So... whatever.
Now, when it comes to theater, I've never been a slouch (or so I've thought) I've almost always had really good success. I felt successful in high school, but at SUU I felt like I was always looked over, or passed over, or this or that. Maybe I was, maybe I was just too young looking for anything. Maybe I sucked.
I finally got an award my junior year, playing a schizophrenic boy in an over religious house hold. I got the part because I was one of two people to audition. The author said he wouldn't have wanted anyone else to play the part. I didn't believe him, but I took it for what it was worth.
After my mission, I landed a bunch of roles at WSU, but I felt like I was just seizing an opportunity because I was the only straight and masculine male at the school. Plus, I looked like I was 26 or older so I had that going for me against these skinny guys. I captured several awards and felt like I excelled.
Out of college, it has been quite a struggle, because I get hired on to do stuff, but then never hear back from crews or agencies after. A production house here in Utah hired me to do some stuff, and then I broke my leg, and then they thought I was lying to them to get out of being a Productions Assistant because I had taken an acting role in which I had to ride a horse and fell off of the horse, and the DP told the production house they saw me there and so the production house didn't want to "take the time to figure me out."
I always seem to be misunderstood. The most crippling thing that has every consistently happened to me in my life is no one having the balls to give me feedback, especially when I ask for it. This could also be an issue for me, because I do give feedback and am honest and straight forward. Maybe it is the state I am in. Maybe the people cannot handle it.
I never know if I piss someone off or if they don't like me, or if I'm forgotten about. This is also a recent occurrence and has bent on me financially. I'm kind of the backup to the backup. I don't feel like I'm B team material anymore, especially in this field. I don't want to be on the B team.
I actually don't want to have a team classification, I just don't want to play on the B team anymore. I want to play on the A team. I try and conduct myself as an A player, so I can get those opportunities of which I desire, but the opportunities are slim pic kin's, and the A players are even more sparse.
Problem being.... How do you play with the A team when you've been playing with the B team so long? And when my time does come to hit the court, how on earth will I know if my skills will be good enough to rise to the occasion?
Oilpan.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Profound things and Baskeball dribblings
I've probably already written about this, but will write again. Some of my most profound moment have been on the basketball court. Somewhere between the hardwood and the hoop, I find myself being shown exactly what kind of attitude I have toward life. My attitudes, short comings, insecurities come out in the oddest ways, and I dont realize it until its happening. I will speak of four instances, all of which could and should be used in a speech sometime.
1. "What are you waiting for?" One day a big Tongan fellow, I estimated 280-300 lbs and about 6'7" entered the court. His legs were spry compared to most Tongan fellows of his size and he had astounding lateral movement. We were on the same team, and at this time in my life, I had gotten over having a broken leg after kicking a wall at the same gym, probably a year previous. I was playing as hard as I knew how. Someone shot the ball and as I remember it, there was a guy about 5 feet behind me at the top of the key and a couple of guys off to my left. I turned to get the rebound and for some reason, the ball was very slow on the bounce off the board. At that point I felt no real reason to jump for the ball. I was going to let it come to me. Then I was going to pass it down court and score a touchdown. As the ball started on its trajected path, I hear the chatty Tongan fellow yell at me. "What are you waiting for?!" Directly at the back of my head, though he was a couple of yards away. (he should have been rebounding)
After we played more, and probably lost, I thought about this statement. It pissed me off while it was happening because I hated going to that court and taking instruction from people who just shot 3's all day long and never passed the ball. But I though about the statement anyway. I thought about if it applied to me on any other levels.
Yes, yes it did!
What WAS I waiting for in my life? Why wasn't I going to go get the ball? Why was I waiting for it to come to me?
2. "20 seconds to go, down by 1..."
Its ward ball and the battle has been roaring on for at least 31 minutes. The score is close and we have time to take a shot and win the game. I am on bench.
So... I'm watching the clock tick down as the ball is being swung around the perimeter. The whole time I'm thinking, "Oh no, we aren't going to win. We're gonna miss the shot and lose. We're gonna lose, we're gonna lose. Ah crap." I hate losing but its gonna happen. My mental attitude was a Losing one.
The though popped in to my head: Here are 3 guys around the perimeter that all want the ball, all want to take the last shot. They all want to win, they all want to try and put the ball through the hoop. They want to be that guy that took the shot and won the game.
And here I am... with the attitude of a loser.
Profound thought for me that I had the attitude of a loser. Its not every day you realize that and then want to change it. Some people recognize it, but at that point I had not.
Somebody made that shot and we won that game.
3. "Keep your head up."
in December 2012 I made the decision to quit watching pornography and to quit drinking. I had drank a lot that year, and was so confused as to why I had lost my artistic motivation. Well not to get too deep in to it, but pornography dumbs down the creative and the motivation portions of your brain, so, when I found this out, it had to go. I wanted to be successful and I wasn't going to let anything stop me.
Anyways, one night while playing defense I noticed that my head was up. My eyes were up, and aware and I was confident. The year before and other years previous, I was not. My head was down, kind of saggy, and pointed at a diagonal towards the floor.
Point taken that the changes that I had made in my life had enabled me to be proud, be confident, and be more aware of what I was doing.
4. " I love my neighbor"
Ward ball. Both teams are kind of evenly matched. Our team has a guy who is a beast down in the paint, but he wants to bring the ball up every time. The other team has a guy in his early 40's, about 6'3" and is either x military or x football coach. We shall call him "Frankendick". So Frankendick is fouling a lot. The other team had come out in the 2nd half and was hacking and fouling a lot more than in the first. The score is close. Frankendick fouls one of our guys, like he is beat and he lets our guy blow by him and he just stands there and places his legs really far apart and trips our dude as he jumps to shoot. Our dude falls flat and hard. It was totally an intentional foul. I was about 15 feet behind him when it happened so I had a pretty clear on view.
A little time goes by and Frankendick and a different guy have a scuffle and I assume, since my back was turned that Frankendicky grabbed on and tripped our man. "Hey, you cant do that!" says our guy as he scoops himself off the ground. "C'mon, don't be a whimp." is the retort.
So with about 2 minutes left, I have the ball at the top of the key, Im working it a little bit, trying to find an opening. All of a sudden, Frankendickenstein decides he wants to play me at the pro 3 pt line. His fist swipes my stomach as he tries for the ball. I just throw up a hand like WTF and he retorts "Oh come on, I havent called one foul the whole time." So I pick up the ball and stop play. "Everybody calm down." I say. "WE ARE CALM!" Says a guy from the other team. Obviously.
An idiot from the other team charges the ball and I quickly evade. We take 15 seconds as I hopefully let my point set in that this is rediculous. After I had stopped play though, I had lost my will to play. The game was ruined for me. I ran for the next minute as they knocked the ball out of bounds with 2 seconds to go. Frankendickingtonfieldvilleiowa says "Game over, that's it." I yell "2 Seconds, lets go!" All of F's team mates are un honorable and follow out of fear, the Frankendick. We lose by 1.
Well, afterwards, shovel chin Frankendick is next to me and tries to give me a good game high five as is customary. But I was so pissed at this point, especially having the gall to say good game after, that I just blew by. I sat for 20 minutes trying to cool off. It gets in to my heart just typing this.
There are many lessons to be learned from this scenario.
1. Don't be a Frankendick during church ball. Actually, dont be a Frankendick, ever.
2. Don't be intimidated or anything by the Frankendicks of the world. Most people just blow
hard. Ive had people try and fight me on the court because my defense is so frustrating. But a
real gangster wont talk, they'll just throw a fist.
3. If you see that something is wrong, say something! Deal with the consequences ie.
awkwardness, potentially violent rhetoric, threats, aggressive people, arguments. Its worth it
to stand up for yourself and your team mates.
4. Love your neighbor. Especially during church ball. Because...
"Church ball is for losers."
-Jonathan Tate
Number three is my big take away from this. I almost said something when it first happened, but I didn't. Why? Because I didn't want to have that awkward conversation, and I probably could not have had it without expletives and doing in that in a church is hard to justify. But I should have spoken up right then, right there. I should have made a difference.
Americans are like this, aren't they? Lazy and wont get involved. Are we trained to be apathetic? To let things go by and take the easy way? Lame U.S.
From now on I'm just going to speak up, and deal with the consequences.
4. "Getting a beat down"
When you're playing ward ball and you are obviously a better team, dont go full steam the whole time. Especially if you have a 40 pt lead and just want to make the lead bigger. Does this do ANYBODY any good? Nope.
People are already getting a beat-down in their lives, why go play church ball and get such an ass whoopin that they want to go eat a bullet because, obviously, they just aren't good at anything. Especially basketball.
This happened to us last year. Its no fun at all. Its not sportsman like and its a typical Utah attitude.
This also happened to me during a church indoor soccer league. The other team was winning, and by at least 10 goals, and they just were trying so hard still. Poor sportsmanship.
Go
1. "What are you waiting for?" One day a big Tongan fellow, I estimated 280-300 lbs and about 6'7" entered the court. His legs were spry compared to most Tongan fellows of his size and he had astounding lateral movement. We were on the same team, and at this time in my life, I had gotten over having a broken leg after kicking a wall at the same gym, probably a year previous. I was playing as hard as I knew how. Someone shot the ball and as I remember it, there was a guy about 5 feet behind me at the top of the key and a couple of guys off to my left. I turned to get the rebound and for some reason, the ball was very slow on the bounce off the board. At that point I felt no real reason to jump for the ball. I was going to let it come to me. Then I was going to pass it down court and score a touchdown. As the ball started on its trajected path, I hear the chatty Tongan fellow yell at me. "What are you waiting for?!" Directly at the back of my head, though he was a couple of yards away. (he should have been rebounding)
After we played more, and probably lost, I thought about this statement. It pissed me off while it was happening because I hated going to that court and taking instruction from people who just shot 3's all day long and never passed the ball. But I though about the statement anyway. I thought about if it applied to me on any other levels.
Yes, yes it did!
What WAS I waiting for in my life? Why wasn't I going to go get the ball? Why was I waiting for it to come to me?
2. "20 seconds to go, down by 1..."
Its ward ball and the battle has been roaring on for at least 31 minutes. The score is close and we have time to take a shot and win the game. I am on bench.
So... I'm watching the clock tick down as the ball is being swung around the perimeter. The whole time I'm thinking, "Oh no, we aren't going to win. We're gonna miss the shot and lose. We're gonna lose, we're gonna lose. Ah crap." I hate losing but its gonna happen. My mental attitude was a Losing one.
The though popped in to my head: Here are 3 guys around the perimeter that all want the ball, all want to take the last shot. They all want to win, they all want to try and put the ball through the hoop. They want to be that guy that took the shot and won the game.
And here I am... with the attitude of a loser.
Profound thought for me that I had the attitude of a loser. Its not every day you realize that and then want to change it. Some people recognize it, but at that point I had not.
Somebody made that shot and we won that game.
3. "Keep your head up."
in December 2012 I made the decision to quit watching pornography and to quit drinking. I had drank a lot that year, and was so confused as to why I had lost my artistic motivation. Well not to get too deep in to it, but pornography dumbs down the creative and the motivation portions of your brain, so, when I found this out, it had to go. I wanted to be successful and I wasn't going to let anything stop me.
Anyways, one night while playing defense I noticed that my head was up. My eyes were up, and aware and I was confident. The year before and other years previous, I was not. My head was down, kind of saggy, and pointed at a diagonal towards the floor.
Point taken that the changes that I had made in my life had enabled me to be proud, be confident, and be more aware of what I was doing.
4. " I love my neighbor"
Ward ball. Both teams are kind of evenly matched. Our team has a guy who is a beast down in the paint, but he wants to bring the ball up every time. The other team has a guy in his early 40's, about 6'3" and is either x military or x football coach. We shall call him "Frankendick". So Frankendick is fouling a lot. The other team had come out in the 2nd half and was hacking and fouling a lot more than in the first. The score is close. Frankendick fouls one of our guys, like he is beat and he lets our guy blow by him and he just stands there and places his legs really far apart and trips our dude as he jumps to shoot. Our dude falls flat and hard. It was totally an intentional foul. I was about 15 feet behind him when it happened so I had a pretty clear on view.
A little time goes by and Frankendick and a different guy have a scuffle and I assume, since my back was turned that Frankendicky grabbed on and tripped our man. "Hey, you cant do that!" says our guy as he scoops himself off the ground. "C'mon, don't be a whimp." is the retort.
So with about 2 minutes left, I have the ball at the top of the key, Im working it a little bit, trying to find an opening. All of a sudden, Frankendickenstein decides he wants to play me at the pro 3 pt line. His fist swipes my stomach as he tries for the ball. I just throw up a hand like WTF and he retorts "Oh come on, I havent called one foul the whole time." So I pick up the ball and stop play. "Everybody calm down." I say. "WE ARE CALM!" Says a guy from the other team. Obviously.
An idiot from the other team charges the ball and I quickly evade. We take 15 seconds as I hopefully let my point set in that this is rediculous. After I had stopped play though, I had lost my will to play. The game was ruined for me. I ran for the next minute as they knocked the ball out of bounds with 2 seconds to go. Frankendickingtonfieldvilleiowa says "Game over, that's it." I yell "2 Seconds, lets go!" All of F's team mates are un honorable and follow out of fear, the Frankendick. We lose by 1.
Well, afterwards, shovel chin Frankendick is next to me and tries to give me a good game high five as is customary. But I was so pissed at this point, especially having the gall to say good game after, that I just blew by. I sat for 20 minutes trying to cool off. It gets in to my heart just typing this.
There are many lessons to be learned from this scenario.
1. Don't be a Frankendick during church ball. Actually, dont be a Frankendick, ever.
2. Don't be intimidated or anything by the Frankendicks of the world. Most people just blow
hard. Ive had people try and fight me on the court because my defense is so frustrating. But a
real gangster wont talk, they'll just throw a fist.
3. If you see that something is wrong, say something! Deal with the consequences ie.
awkwardness, potentially violent rhetoric, threats, aggressive people, arguments. Its worth it
to stand up for yourself and your team mates.
4. Love your neighbor. Especially during church ball. Because...
"Church ball is for losers."
-Jonathan Tate
Number three is my big take away from this. I almost said something when it first happened, but I didn't. Why? Because I didn't want to have that awkward conversation, and I probably could not have had it without expletives and doing in that in a church is hard to justify. But I should have spoken up right then, right there. I should have made a difference.
Americans are like this, aren't they? Lazy and wont get involved. Are we trained to be apathetic? To let things go by and take the easy way? Lame U.S.
From now on I'm just going to speak up, and deal with the consequences.
4. "Getting a beat down"
When you're playing ward ball and you are obviously a better team, dont go full steam the whole time. Especially if you have a 40 pt lead and just want to make the lead bigger. Does this do ANYBODY any good? Nope.
People are already getting a beat-down in their lives, why go play church ball and get such an ass whoopin that they want to go eat a bullet because, obviously, they just aren't good at anything. Especially basketball.
This happened to us last year. Its no fun at all. Its not sportsman like and its a typical Utah attitude.
This also happened to me during a church indoor soccer league. The other team was winning, and by at least 10 goals, and they just were trying so hard still. Poor sportsmanship.
Go
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Yo, is it windy in here?
Or is it just me?!
Cause you know it be goin down at my place.
First off, there has been a lot going through my head since I went to LA 2 weeks ago. A lot of information was dumped in to my little head. We also socialized a lot and made some connections. By the Monday of the trip, I needed a break. I went to the beach and dawned my chest to the ocean as it lapped around my ankles and knees. Trying to get as low as possible, I ducked my head in a couple times and lost my breath a couple times because of the temperature.
The significance of this event wasn't much. I stood out there and looked at the ocean and thought about how it brought so much joy to people, yet could be such a scary and devastating force.
I laid on the beach for an hour and listened to music until I was too cold to stay.
A typhoon hit Haiti a couple days later.
That night, I sat and ate seafood on the Santa Monica pier with a lovely, impressive, delicious woman. We finished and walked to the edge of the pier where gangsters were throwing fishing lines. One caught a crab and we took a gander at it as it pinched the walls of a bucket.
We talked about the universe, spirituality, how she thought a light coming towards us was one of those self lit lanterns. I thought it was a plane. It was.
The sea lions played in the water as we talked.
We walked back to the car, talking of books, and she drove me home where we stayed in her car for another hour talking about apostate dealings of Joseph Smith. It was probably one of the deepest conversations I have ever had or at least that I can recollect. I came away upset. I really like this girl, but hate the timing of our paths crossing again. I'm on a good path. She's on a journey.
So, the conversation got me to thinking and asking questions that I've never really asked before, or maybe I've never really taken them seriously. 1. Can you marry someone who's a non believer, and reconcile that with God? 2. What could I do from here for this human being? 3. WTF?
1. I came to the conclusion, just a few days ago that... yes, you can marry someone outside of the LDS faith, have a perfectly beautiful life, and progress from there. Maybe that's what you need. Maybe that's more beneficial to you and that's the path you've been given for several reasons. I laughed at myself for about 10 minutes. If this was to be my trial... yeah of course it was. Of course. Thanks a lot. But... someone's gotta do it.
2. Her spiritual journey had nothing to do with me. I read Ether 12:6 just haphazardly opening up the BOM for answers, and it said that you will receive no witness until after the trial of your faith, and as I read the rest of the chapter, I understood that this was not about me at all, and that I was not needed for this. All I could do was love her and be a sounding board of information, but not to push her one way or another. Which is a difficult thing, because I love spirited debate.
3. WTF! Yeah! WTF! My dad visited this weekend, and as we were talking over burgers at Culvers, I told him of the scenario. He said to me, "If you want to get married outside of the church, I will come to your wedding. (insert smile)." This took me by surprise. "But good luck." Said about the scenario and my decision making. Ultimately, I don't think its going to go anywhere. But it has been nice thinking about, figuring out, and finding out what is up.
Its' distressed me, I'm not gonna lie. She would be a great spouse. She has the things I've been telling myself I've wanted in a wife since HS. I might not find another one like this.
Anyways, Friday I had a meeting with my boss. There's a lot to this story as well, but to sum it up, I felt like I was being lied to or something. I had been asked to edit some videos by the VP of marketing, and I sent a preview asking what I needed to change or add, and never heard back from him or the president of the company. Instead, Wednesday, they bring in a little 20 yr old soda jerk to make videos and borrow the cameras. I asked myself and a couple co workers.... "why aren't I the one making videos for the company?"
Who the fuck knows.
So, in this meeting I find out that the president of the company wasn't thrilled about my work so they got a guy to do it. No idea why. Still don't know why, but I'm told I'm not approachable and that's probably why. My boss was just kind of in awe of himself and why he let me get away with things. What things? Come in at 11:15? Who cares? Text you and miss another day of work when I have no way of coming home? Don't be an asshole. I put up with your shit for 3 years, and I've been a hostage of a corporation with an hourly wage with people that just wont "develop and foster (me) from within."
And I was just done. So I said a little prayer in my head asking if it was a good decision and I got a warm feeling in my chest and I resigned. Tired of the bull shizzm. Tired of feeling like I'm second rate, putting forth the effort, not getting any return from my efforts, and tired of the looming displeasure of my boss which I know is there. DONE. Don't ever call me un-loyal to the company. I threw myself on my sword for the training department.
I have no back up plan, but it doesn't matter. I'll figure something out. I know God has my back. I'm peaceful and happy.
During the past month or so, I've felt guided and led and protected and enabled. Mostly guided though. I've gained a lot of answers to prayers though searching and pondering and discussions with others. I feel like I'm in uncharted waters and I'm unnerved. Hopefully this next year will be a good busy year and we can make some movies and some money.
And avoid all the BS.
Update... the next day this wonder girl told me she didn't want to date me and would rather date this fitness model she is seeing. #ofcourse.
Cause you know it be goin down at my place.
First off, there has been a lot going through my head since I went to LA 2 weeks ago. A lot of information was dumped in to my little head. We also socialized a lot and made some connections. By the Monday of the trip, I needed a break. I went to the beach and dawned my chest to the ocean as it lapped around my ankles and knees. Trying to get as low as possible, I ducked my head in a couple times and lost my breath a couple times because of the temperature.
The significance of this event wasn't much. I stood out there and looked at the ocean and thought about how it brought so much joy to people, yet could be such a scary and devastating force.
I laid on the beach for an hour and listened to music until I was too cold to stay.
A typhoon hit Haiti a couple days later.
That night, I sat and ate seafood on the Santa Monica pier with a lovely, impressive, delicious woman. We finished and walked to the edge of the pier where gangsters were throwing fishing lines. One caught a crab and we took a gander at it as it pinched the walls of a bucket.
We talked about the universe, spirituality, how she thought a light coming towards us was one of those self lit lanterns. I thought it was a plane. It was.
The sea lions played in the water as we talked.
We walked back to the car, talking of books, and she drove me home where we stayed in her car for another hour talking about apostate dealings of Joseph Smith. It was probably one of the deepest conversations I have ever had or at least that I can recollect. I came away upset. I really like this girl, but hate the timing of our paths crossing again. I'm on a good path. She's on a journey.
So, the conversation got me to thinking and asking questions that I've never really asked before, or maybe I've never really taken them seriously. 1. Can you marry someone who's a non believer, and reconcile that with God? 2. What could I do from here for this human being? 3. WTF?
1. I came to the conclusion, just a few days ago that... yes, you can marry someone outside of the LDS faith, have a perfectly beautiful life, and progress from there. Maybe that's what you need. Maybe that's more beneficial to you and that's the path you've been given for several reasons. I laughed at myself for about 10 minutes. If this was to be my trial... yeah of course it was. Of course. Thanks a lot. But... someone's gotta do it.
2. Her spiritual journey had nothing to do with me. I read Ether 12:6 just haphazardly opening up the BOM for answers, and it said that you will receive no witness until after the trial of your faith, and as I read the rest of the chapter, I understood that this was not about me at all, and that I was not needed for this. All I could do was love her and be a sounding board of information, but not to push her one way or another. Which is a difficult thing, because I love spirited debate.
3. WTF! Yeah! WTF! My dad visited this weekend, and as we were talking over burgers at Culvers, I told him of the scenario. He said to me, "If you want to get married outside of the church, I will come to your wedding. (insert smile)." This took me by surprise. "But good luck." Said about the scenario and my decision making. Ultimately, I don't think its going to go anywhere. But it has been nice thinking about, figuring out, and finding out what is up.
Its' distressed me, I'm not gonna lie. She would be a great spouse. She has the things I've been telling myself I've wanted in a wife since HS. I might not find another one like this.
Anyways, Friday I had a meeting with my boss. There's a lot to this story as well, but to sum it up, I felt like I was being lied to or something. I had been asked to edit some videos by the VP of marketing, and I sent a preview asking what I needed to change or add, and never heard back from him or the president of the company. Instead, Wednesday, they bring in a little 20 yr old soda jerk to make videos and borrow the cameras. I asked myself and a couple co workers.... "why aren't I the one making videos for the company?"
Who the fuck knows.
So, in this meeting I find out that the president of the company wasn't thrilled about my work so they got a guy to do it. No idea why. Still don't know why, but I'm told I'm not approachable and that's probably why. My boss was just kind of in awe of himself and why he let me get away with things. What things? Come in at 11:15? Who cares? Text you and miss another day of work when I have no way of coming home? Don't be an asshole. I put up with your shit for 3 years, and I've been a hostage of a corporation with an hourly wage with people that just wont "develop and foster (me) from within."
And I was just done. So I said a little prayer in my head asking if it was a good decision and I got a warm feeling in my chest and I resigned. Tired of the bull shizzm. Tired of feeling like I'm second rate, putting forth the effort, not getting any return from my efforts, and tired of the looming displeasure of my boss which I know is there. DONE. Don't ever call me un-loyal to the company. I threw myself on my sword for the training department.
I have no back up plan, but it doesn't matter. I'll figure something out. I know God has my back. I'm peaceful and happy.
During the past month or so, I've felt guided and led and protected and enabled. Mostly guided though. I've gained a lot of answers to prayers though searching and pondering and discussions with others. I feel like I'm in uncharted waters and I'm unnerved. Hopefully this next year will be a good busy year and we can make some movies and some money.
And avoid all the BS.
Update... the next day this wonder girl told me she didn't want to date me and would rather date this fitness model she is seeing. #ofcourse.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Post Title - Season of changelings?
It must be a season of change.
Everything is about to change I think. I guess I built it, and here it comes, like a franken-career.
And Im a little scared, humbled, upset.
Most of my friends have been hitched. Its like all of these different but familiar avenues are closing. Im turning to watch the door slowly close behind me. Who the hell knows what happens next.
Whatever happens though, I will have my ultimate co pilot by my side and will include her as often as possible. And I know that if one door closes, another opens, or you may be stuck with a fart in there.
Going to LA this next week. To learn, to sell ideas, to find another part of my life.
Roommate of 3 years and good friend is moving out of the house to be closer to work. Who knows why exactly. I had a half hour talk with him the other night in the kitchen and told him how it hurts my feelings when I give him opportunities and he dumps them and drops the ball. Had a lecture about finding that burning desire inside. I think that struck a chord. But look what happened, he's moving out.
Away from me.
No idea what happens next. But I hope its fun! And I hope it involves some MONEY!
Everything is about to change I think. I guess I built it, and here it comes, like a franken-career.
And Im a little scared, humbled, upset.
Most of my friends have been hitched. Its like all of these different but familiar avenues are closing. Im turning to watch the door slowly close behind me. Who the hell knows what happens next.
Whatever happens though, I will have my ultimate co pilot by my side and will include her as often as possible. And I know that if one door closes, another opens, or you may be stuck with a fart in there.
Going to LA this next week. To learn, to sell ideas, to find another part of my life.
Roommate of 3 years and good friend is moving out of the house to be closer to work. Who knows why exactly. I had a half hour talk with him the other night in the kitchen and told him how it hurts my feelings when I give him opportunities and he dumps them and drops the ball. Had a lecture about finding that burning desire inside. I think that struck a chord. But look what happened, he's moving out.
Away from me.
No idea what happens next. But I hope its fun! And I hope it involves some MONEY!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Sexy Sexington
Constantly we should be on a quest to better ourselves.
I know what I need to work on, mostly.
I can make a list of my weaknesses and work on them, but I think the one thing that has been difficult to me is to respect women sexually... in my mind. I wish to do this task. I think it is an honorable trait. I also think that there is too much mental time wasted thinking about sex and one could be more productive if s/he avoided those thought.
My mission president, President Crump, gave a zone conference on it once upon a time. I was interested in the content. He said that the greatest amount of sin happens up here (points to his head). Its like a playground for sin. The possibilities are endless really.
You know what helps though... when women respect themselves. A strong woman who dresses and acts smart, is super sexy and tantalizing. Someone that stands for something and isn't caddy to those around her behind their backs. Someone who knows what she wants.
Im still asking God to help me figure out how to respect women more. Its a process... I guess.
You know what doesn't help... being told to not think of sex all your life.
I know what I need to work on, mostly.
I can make a list of my weaknesses and work on them, but I think the one thing that has been difficult to me is to respect women sexually... in my mind. I wish to do this task. I think it is an honorable trait. I also think that there is too much mental time wasted thinking about sex and one could be more productive if s/he avoided those thought.
My mission president, President Crump, gave a zone conference on it once upon a time. I was interested in the content. He said that the greatest amount of sin happens up here (points to his head). Its like a playground for sin. The possibilities are endless really.
You know what helps though... when women respect themselves. A strong woman who dresses and acts smart, is super sexy and tantalizing. Someone that stands for something and isn't caddy to those around her behind their backs. Someone who knows what she wants.
Im still asking God to help me figure out how to respect women more. Its a process... I guess.
You know what doesn't help... being told to not think of sex all your life.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
A couple of things
Well, I dunno... Odd couple of days.
Emotionally...
First, I came down with a cold friday during the day at work. I could feel its slow onset creeping in my soft pallet for a couple hours, but I went to work out anyway. It was arms day, and not too strenuous, plus I'm concerned about my forearms and would enjoy it if they were a bit beefier.
Well while at the gym, I have noticed this woman, probably a little younger than me. Definitely pretty. Definitely pregnant... I've seen her a couple of times but this time, maybe it was the Carey Underwood on pandora, maybe I was a little sick and vulnerable, not having my usual ferocity about me, but I felt way amorous towards this woman. I haven't seen a ring on her finger yet. I figure she is pregnant and working out and the takes it off because her hands swell up. Just guessing, but then even if you were to approach a pregnant woman, how would you do that? Just strike up a conversation? I dunno! Do I want to? I dunno. Probably. I felt so tender towards her. Maybe its just my stupid bleeding desperate heart. Maybe I'll give a glancing "Hi" if I ever get to walk by her again.
She has 2 other kids btw. As I was exiting the workout place I saw her eating with her kids.
Second, I just tried to film the wedding from hell. They were supposed to get married outside but there was lightening and way too much rain, so they moved in to a tent, and then as they were starting the ceremony, the lights went off. And on. And off. Then the mic went out... and on... and off again...
The group was very positive thought. It worked out well for them. But I had a hard time keeping my shiz together, cause I'm sick. I screwed up a few times.
But seeing all the single girls there messes with you. I saw this girl as I was walking in. She was a girl we had interviewed the week before, at Westminster college. Really cute. Math and accounting nerd.
Messes with you.
Oh and the girl that arrived later that had a superior posterior. I have no idea how that thing got formed but man was it big and impressive.
Third, my friend whom I used to make out with and spend time talking to has left the one true religion, then she announces she is getting a divorce. JEEEZ! What the hell! And I don't think she is going to talk to me about it, but hopefully she will. I care for her. She can make up her own mind about things, but I get super curious about what makes people tick. Maybe she will come around. I was super sad when she got married and tried to be positive, but really all I was was jealous.
My ears are ringing. My nose is running. And I also did not have enough money to buy cold medicine this morning. That was super unexpected. My bank account lied to me last weekend. So I had to suffer through the day with the generic stuff that is old and left over that I have. Luckily I filmed a wedding today, so I have money.
All about timing.
Emotionally...
First, I came down with a cold friday during the day at work. I could feel its slow onset creeping in my soft pallet for a couple hours, but I went to work out anyway. It was arms day, and not too strenuous, plus I'm concerned about my forearms and would enjoy it if they were a bit beefier.
Well while at the gym, I have noticed this woman, probably a little younger than me. Definitely pretty. Definitely pregnant... I've seen her a couple of times but this time, maybe it was the Carey Underwood on pandora, maybe I was a little sick and vulnerable, not having my usual ferocity about me, but I felt way amorous towards this woman. I haven't seen a ring on her finger yet. I figure she is pregnant and working out and the takes it off because her hands swell up. Just guessing, but then even if you were to approach a pregnant woman, how would you do that? Just strike up a conversation? I dunno! Do I want to? I dunno. Probably. I felt so tender towards her. Maybe its just my stupid bleeding desperate heart. Maybe I'll give a glancing "Hi" if I ever get to walk by her again.
She has 2 other kids btw. As I was exiting the workout place I saw her eating with her kids.
Second, I just tried to film the wedding from hell. They were supposed to get married outside but there was lightening and way too much rain, so they moved in to a tent, and then as they were starting the ceremony, the lights went off. And on. And off. Then the mic went out... and on... and off again...
The group was very positive thought. It worked out well for them. But I had a hard time keeping my shiz together, cause I'm sick. I screwed up a few times.
But seeing all the single girls there messes with you. I saw this girl as I was walking in. She was a girl we had interviewed the week before, at Westminster college. Really cute. Math and accounting nerd.
Messes with you.
Oh and the girl that arrived later that had a superior posterior. I have no idea how that thing got formed but man was it big and impressive.
Third, my friend whom I used to make out with and spend time talking to has left the one true religion, then she announces she is getting a divorce. JEEEZ! What the hell! And I don't think she is going to talk to me about it, but hopefully she will. I care for her. She can make up her own mind about things, but I get super curious about what makes people tick. Maybe she will come around. I was super sad when she got married and tried to be positive, but really all I was was jealous.
My ears are ringing. My nose is running. And I also did not have enough money to buy cold medicine this morning. That was super unexpected. My bank account lied to me last weekend. So I had to suffer through the day with the generic stuff that is old and left over that I have. Luckily I filmed a wedding today, so I have money.
All about timing.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Irritation on my inner thighs and under buttox
Today was super irritating, on almost every level except being with my dog. She was thankfully level headed and non bias. (except being extremely bias towards me.)
My job is irritating. There was an ad agency here in town that was hired to do commercials for a particular restaurant and they botched the contracts with the actors. So the guy in charge comes to me and asks me about contracts. I give him my low down, and everybody agrees the ad agency is at fault. Well I immediately tell them I want the commercials back. And then I tell them again. And so what does the company do??? They go to another production house in town to do food shots. On top of that, they decide to go with another ad agency out of Chicago that cant find talent under 1000 a day plus 30%. I say I can get talent for half that, and in fact I can do everything they can do for half the price and just a good a product.
No response.
So maybe, just MAYBE something good will happen, but I have severe doubts. Then I see on line that there is someone taking stills at a restaurant that the company I work for is opening up and it ISN'T ME TAKING THE PICTURES! Maybe it was a news paper guy but the caption, "good and cheap" really did nothing for my emotional stability.
Thoughts after things like this include "Why don't I just move on? Why don't I quit? Why the heck not? What's keeping me here?"
I guess if I took the plunge, God would have my back. Maybe I should.
I'm frustrated with people at the gym stealing my spot as soon as I walk away. I tried to keep my place with a shakey cup, but no one really cared. New gym. New people,
Also frustrated with my improv troupe guys. They talk about integrity of the show then kind of act like whiners at the first sign of trouble. They bail which is super frustrating because to me... they ARE the integrity of the show. So to take your ball and go home is lame.
So... what should I do?
I'm super frustrated with a colleague of mine (yes if anyone I know reads this, I'll deal with the repercussions) as we have been waiting on a finalized website for 3 years now and still have no finalized website. A month ago he said that the site was programmed, it just needed to be chopped up and put in to place graphic wise. So, I was like... YEAH! Finally! If this website sold anything I could quit my fucking job and live off the residuals. But NOOOOO..... The chopping that was supposed to take one hour of someones time, has not happened yet.
So frustrating. He says its frustrating to him, but its more frustrating to me, cause it pins me down and there's nothing I can do about it.
In addition to all that, I see that people are recommending other people for demo reels, yet I have been doing demo reels for 4 years now.
I just don't understand it here. Is it me? Are people scared? Do people not like my vision? Am I non conventional? Not vanilla enough?
makes my butt sweaty until there's a heat rash down there.
My job is irritating. There was an ad agency here in town that was hired to do commercials for a particular restaurant and they botched the contracts with the actors. So the guy in charge comes to me and asks me about contracts. I give him my low down, and everybody agrees the ad agency is at fault. Well I immediately tell them I want the commercials back. And then I tell them again. And so what does the company do??? They go to another production house in town to do food shots. On top of that, they decide to go with another ad agency out of Chicago that cant find talent under 1000 a day plus 30%. I say I can get talent for half that, and in fact I can do everything they can do for half the price and just a good a product.
No response.
So maybe, just MAYBE something good will happen, but I have severe doubts. Then I see on line that there is someone taking stills at a restaurant that the company I work for is opening up and it ISN'T ME TAKING THE PICTURES! Maybe it was a news paper guy but the caption, "good and cheap" really did nothing for my emotional stability.
Thoughts after things like this include "Why don't I just move on? Why don't I quit? Why the heck not? What's keeping me here?"
I guess if I took the plunge, God would have my back. Maybe I should.
I'm frustrated with people at the gym stealing my spot as soon as I walk away. I tried to keep my place with a shakey cup, but no one really cared. New gym. New people,
Also frustrated with my improv troupe guys. They talk about integrity of the show then kind of act like whiners at the first sign of trouble. They bail which is super frustrating because to me... they ARE the integrity of the show. So to take your ball and go home is lame.
So... what should I do?
I'm super frustrated with a colleague of mine (yes if anyone I know reads this, I'll deal with the repercussions) as we have been waiting on a finalized website for 3 years now and still have no finalized website. A month ago he said that the site was programmed, it just needed to be chopped up and put in to place graphic wise. So, I was like... YEAH! Finally! If this website sold anything I could quit my fucking job and live off the residuals. But NOOOOO..... The chopping that was supposed to take one hour of someones time, has not happened yet.
So frustrating. He says its frustrating to him, but its more frustrating to me, cause it pins me down and there's nothing I can do about it.
In addition to all that, I see that people are recommending other people for demo reels, yet I have been doing demo reels for 4 years now.
I just don't understand it here. Is it me? Are people scared? Do people not like my vision? Am I non conventional? Not vanilla enough?
makes my butt sweaty until there's a heat rash down there.
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