Its like Venom inside me

It starts in my brain. Every now and then I can feel certain parts of my brain start to strain, like its cramping or contracting and then it creeps down in to my chest and just sits there for about a day or 2. The chest thing... if Im able to shake that, then its only my brain I have to worry about. Lucky me.

Then, what I should do, is chain myself in a room and wait till the full moon passes. For my transformation is a very pathetic site indeed. It is during these times that everyone should avoid me, or I should have my connection with any people in my life cut off. My mothers behavior taught me this. It is during these times where I do the majority of the damage to my personal relationships. I remember how it was for my dad dealing with my mom. No wonder God is sparing someone from me.

After 2 days, it slowly dissipates and usually goes away after a gym visit or after work. Then Im allowed to roam around the country and try and be productive, till it hits again.

As I've gotten older, the sensations have become more discernible than before. In high school, I'm sure people just thought I was moody... well sure! I guess I was! I guess I still am. And I wish I had more control over this passenger that's like acid to my life.

Onward, and sideways...

Somethings wrong with me?

You ever hit one of these walls and you're like... it seems like everyone is doing everything you've wanted to do all of your life, and in the mean time, while you go for the difficult stuff and it takes a lot longer and may or may not ever happen... anyways...

Things take a long time in the film world. And honestly, I can only HOPE that it will actually become a reality. I have no idea if it really will or not. I have no idea if God will actually let it happen.

God really wants us to experience the journey, so since there is actually a beginning and an end to each movie I make, I have no idea if I will ever see the end result.

I want to accomplish a lot but I constantly feel exhausted by projects. I have a very hard time trying to get into another project when it seems I'm starting from scratch again. These youtube fools have teams of support and business partners and I don't. I've tried to recruit but it always fails. I want to come across the people that are hungry for it. Hopefully I will someday, because I dont want to be stuck in my part time job, gaining weight and lying on the floor every Sunday waiting for the wind to blow something my way.

Im exhausted. There is no vacation in sight. Vacations cost money, and I have none.

Thanks.

Film Making

Film Making is hard. I dont know exactly how other people started off but, man, it is full of ego and blah blah, and bad experiences. Its full of you doing your job and then you waiting for other people to do their job. They may be procrastinating, they may be making excuses, they may be inept. Eventually you will find out. I know that artist are lazy, and I know when Im being lied to, so I just take it that most people are procrastinators and don't want to be bugged about it.

Others may be stuck in a way of filmmaking that may be out of date or out of touch and it is up to you to see through their bullshit and read their language or figure out where they're coming from or what the hell they are even saying.

Many people will demean you or throw you under the bus because they are either inept, egotistical, or have serious issues and they take it out on you. You will have unpleasant experiences starting out, but if you are strong and take time to figure things out, you will make it and be wiser for it.

There will be haters galore. People will say crap online like its their job, just because they suck. People will be negative for no good reason other than that's who they are.
"People are dumbasses."

People People People!

But on the up side, if you have been through this crap before in college, it bugs you for a minor amount of time, rather than consuming your thoughts, and then you move on and get things done.
I assume that the positive will outweigh the negative.

Minimizing the risk of negativity is high on my priority list. I just want to make movies and be around people who find joy and artistic satisfaction in the process with me. That's who I want to work with. I have no interest in peoples ego's. Ego's can kiss my ass. :)

And thats my lesson for today. "Like" if you know what I'm sayin'.

Long Longings for the elaborate lameness

A recent trip down to Cedar City with a few friends has brought to my attention exactly what theater should look like and what productions up here should aspire to.
I saw Titus Andronicus for the first time in my life and I appreciated it very much. It was very artistically done; with scarfs instead of blood, and red light changes and huge sound effects as key characters got stabbed and drained of blood. Lavinia did very well, shaking like a leaf, as she was wounded to her very soul (including her tongue and hands cut off). Some of the key moments and beats that could have been relished a little bit were skipped over in my opinion. Revenge is sweet wasn't the concept the director was looking for. None the less, satisfying. Not quite giddy. It was more like closure on the show for me, rather than pure enjoyment. Hopefully I will be able to either be in it, or direct it again.

On the other hand... I heard a song tonight that I purely associate with a girl that I hope will be mine some day (though I know it is basically the longest shot in the world) I got home today and felt so alone and not wanted.  It regularly goes through my mind that my ideal situation would be with this girl in California, though I know that it is vanities. She is too good a person to go for me.
I would go as far to say that she is the pinnacle of what I would like to have in a mate, but the last time I said that about a woman, and then went after her, she said that every time she thought of me, she saw darkness... which is awesome to hear from the girl of your dreams... No, it didnt scar me for life, thanks for asking.

I don't know how it will all work out in the future, but I suspect it will never work out. So I'm leaving it up to the wind. Throw physics to the dogs. I'm at the mercy of the unknown. And Im not at all excited about it.

I was gonna say something else, but I've been back and forth from browser windows and have forgot what I was going to say.

oil pan!

Zoey thrashes the douche bag short guy

Last Easter Sunday, I forewent church attendance because I definitely wasn't in the mood to go to church and listen to people talk about how much they loved Jesus.

Zoey and I went to the park about 4:45... the old elementary school we used to go to on the reg when we lived in midvale. It is usually quiet, and there is a fence line with other dogs on that side, and Zoey loves to race up and down the fence line and harass the dogs on the other side of the fence.
So, as we are arriving, there is a big truck that parks, and there are two white pit bulls in the back, eyeballing us, and wanting to go meet Zoey. I pick up the pace, and we walk across the small bridge over the canal, and in to the schools big yard.

I put the water container and my keys down in the middle of the big yard, and throw the ball for Zoey a couple of times and then the douche bag enters the yard, along the shaded fence line, with his 2 dogs, one on a leash, one wandering behind.

I am on the phone with a friend talking about a project, and notice that the big white pit bull is bounding towards Zoey, so I step in front of Zoey to kind of assert my protection of her to the dog (80 lbs or more).  They sniff each other, and knowing how Zoey reacts to dogs that want to zoom up on her and smell her and say hi, I talk Zoey in to being nice. But she still doesn't quite know what to do, especially when 2 more dogs, a pit bull mix and a golden retriever come up and start circling around her. I can tell she is a little lost at this point, and the dog owners are just not helping, so I grab the kong ball, say "Zoey, want this?" and get her attention while we extract ourselves from the rambunctious dogs to the amount of 20 feet.

I then huck the ball about 60 yards in attempt to get Zoey away from the pit bull.
Zoey chases after the ball with precision.
The pit bull goes bounding after her.
The pit bull owner does nothing.
Zoey then asserts herself and barks at the other dog.
I walk towards the dogs, and shew off the pit bull, not in a threatening manner, just in an authoritative manner. The dog looks at me like "What? Really? ok." Then goes left. Immediately I hear from behind "Dont be an asshole. There's plenty of space here for my dog, you asshole." 

As I turned around, basically astounded that this was being said to me by someone I have never spoken to, nor seen in my life, many responses came up in my mind, and got deleted because they were not strong enough. I even went past the f word at this point, and went for a much stronger response.

Mind you, at this school, I have had some idiots verbalize to me because of my pet. One man with his kids, was winding a kite, and said that as my dog ran by his family, Zoey growled at his kids. Direct quote was "If you dont keep your dog away from my kids, Im gonna call the cops." I was like: What? why would you talk to a stranger like this, with your two daughters right there, and nothing to protect your family with? Why would you immediately be an asshole? I understand to a point, but ultimately, I don't understand. I promptly told him, "I was having a great day until you said that, so thanks for ruining my day." and we left. He said nothing. Never saw him back there.

I had a girl who was walking with her boyfriend tell me she was going to kick my dog in the head. I replied very mockingly "Well, Im going to kick you in the head." Her boyfriend said something, and I started yelling ballistically "If you want to do it, lets do it. Lets do it right now. Come on, lets do it!" at the top of my lungs. Mind you this was at night, and they couldn't see me very well, but they shut the hell up, and walked a little faster across the grounds.

A german shepherd started a fight with zoey over a ball, and as Zoey was actually bending this dog to the ground, I had to break up the fight, by myself, and get the other dog away from Zoey and I. The guy said nothing to me.

Like I said, usually, no one is there. And we have a great time exercising.

Quite suprisingly, my response was "I'll go right now, I dont even care!" I threw my glasses off, and started towards him. Many thoughts went through my mind like, I should probably take my shirt off to get in this fight, and, should I just run and tackle him? What do I do now?!

He was talking flapping his mouth, I turned to reference his dog and just as I was doing so, I felt this jolt, like I had gotten hit by a basketball in the face.  The douche bag had sucker punched me in the mouth. As my home boy at work says " You got caught."

My head was cocked up a little bit and I was trying to register what had actually happened, my ears rang a little, there was no pain, just confusion. I thought "Did this guy just punch me? Did a high speed basketball hit me? Isn't this supposed to hurt a lot?" As I was thinking, he was grabbing a hold of me, to try and wrestle me to the ground. I was instinctual responding by extending my arms to grapple back.

We grappled for a few seconds, and there Zoey comes to the rescue and from behind, grabs the punk ass's ankle and starts thrashing. I think to myself! Yay Zoey! Wait, don't break flesh! You could get taken from me! Douche bags friend is now on the hustle over to the incident, and Zoey stops, sensing danger. I command douche bags friend not to touch my dog.
We wrestle for probably a minute, and I start to get pretty pissed off that this is actually happening, and so I start trying harder to topple the guy, even though I had foregone all violent options, like tai kicking, ball kicking, jumping under him and springing upward, tripping him through both of his legs, uppercutting the punk ass or any thing that might have given me advantage in the ordeal. I just didnt do them.

I grabbed his jean shorts and thought to myself, In theory, I should be able to flip him if I can pick him up. Well, he was hanging on to my shoulder, so after I tried that, I couldn't get him flipped over. After a few more moments of struggle, I kind of let down my guard, and he tripped me backwards.

He fell on top of me, I had his face in a pressing position, as if I were trying to squish a melon. I had his nose directly under my palm, and could have easily broken his nose, but thought to myself, "nah, I dont want to do that." I didnt throw any punches, just thought to myself, control his hands.

After a second, I used a self defense move I know to spin on to my stomach. I continued to grab his hands and try and break one of his fingers but he kept pulling out of it. I was really really winded at this point, so I put my hands over my head and waited for him to hit me more, which he did not.
I tried to think of more things to do; if I wanted to proceed, If I wanted to catch my breath and then go round 2. I just wanted this filth off my back, so his friend eventually got him off of me. (I get mad just thinking about it, I should have never quit)

We yelled for a bit, I threatened to press charges and call the cops, he beat me to calling the cops, cause hes a douche. He said stuff like "just cause you're big" and "you're the one walking away"

His friend convinced me it would be a good idea to leave. Lucky for Douche Bag, I think. As I've relayed to the story to many, they thought it was self defense for me and my dog. I do to, though I should not have approached him the way I did.

He was obviously a man with small man syndrome. He had 2 big dogs, and a big truck. And after hearing the things he said and understanding who was accompanying him at the park, I ultimately just feel sorry for the guy. He didnt seem too smart.

He punched me in front of his wife and 2 kids.

Today, a week later after the incident, my lip is finally healing, my jaw muscle doesn't hurt as much, I am not sore from the struggle (which I bet he was so damn sore, he could hardly move the next day), and Im not obsessing about me quitting and not triumphing in the fight. I honestly didn't really know what I was doing. Im tired of people messing with me, and saying shit, to provoke me, and last week, Im glad I stood up for myself, my safety, and my dogs (families) safety.

Lamentation I guess

I get to these points where I feel like I am really cool with being single, and am ready to jump in to the dating scene and make things happen. Then I confront myself with a real life scenario, and I put up a huge emotional wall, and retreat my previous thoughts.

Maybe I'm ready, maybe I'm not. I am not sure, but I suspect that I will have to find out the hard way.
Talking to strangers that Im attracted to, is hard. I always feel like there is so much to risk because of the 'what if' factor. What if it actually goes somewhere and you start to feel something for this person, and they turn out to be like every other girl you've dated?! And in all honest, thats as far as my vision for a future goes: ending in tragedy.

I've always been super scared of my wife cheating on me. Its my worst fear in the world. I heard in high school of couples who get divorces but still love each other but cant live with one another anymore, and always felt like that would be me eventually. I dont know why. Just a hunch I guess.

I don't want either of those scenarios to play through. They both are terrible tragedies.

Then I flip over to see some pictures of this girl that I am always interested in, and she doesn't know it, and probably wont ever know it, and I feel like things are never going to happen in the love department. She lives in CA btw, so chances are way slim.

I try and look at things through a bright lense, and I try and say that I dont really care that much about marriage, just being patient. But as I am in my 30's now, slowly marching towards my mid 30's, I cant help but feel like if its going to happen, it should happen now. And if it doesn't, then it wont come for another 10 years.

And that, to me, would be a tragedy.

Because....
I want to be young with my wife. I want to have a younger energy with my kids. I dont want to be 60 when they are 20. I want to... oh fuck it. whatever.

That awkward moment when...

you realize no one cares to be around you. Actually should be called : That painful moment when you realize this is the 13th consecutive saturday evening you have spent alone, with your dog. Whom, is good company, but is jut not a human being.
I thought of posting, and probably will, that I will be home every night this week, and anyone is invited to come over and hang... just to see if anyone actually would.
Problem is, everyone is dating someone, or is married and has kids. So, when it comes to hanging out, I know no one. And the film people around here still haven't taken a liking to me, enough to actually invite me to do anything. But I suspect that will always be the case... because hey... I am that guy.
Unfortunately I have always been that guy that gets left out of the social scene, so I have to include myself on a regular basis. I mostly feel like I am harassing people to hang out with me, because Im persistent, and Im ALWAYS doing it. It still continues on to this day. but now I don't know who to ask to hang anymore, because everyone has someone significant to hang out with.

Thats probably why I have acquired a dog. Though Zoey has been very needy and annoying lately, I have had frustrations with her. I sometimes wish she would go away so I can have my freedom again. I feel like she is there, and I am obligated to take care of her for the rest of her life/my life, and can't go and live my dream because I have to stay within 1 hr of home, in order to take care of her.
She's a social pariah as well. Misunderstood, and has a hard time playing with others.
Today at the dog park, I heard some fat guy say "That dog shouldn't be here" and he was talking about Zoey. She barks at other dogs when they come on too strong, and she snaps at them. Fat turd face ass didn't like Zoey making his dog her bitch I guess. I wanted to follow him to a fast food restaurant, and as soon as he ordered, interrupt "You shouldn't be here." I'd whisper it too. I also wanted to yell at him but there were way too many people at the park and I didn't want the embarrassment.

Zoey's a good dog. She deserves better than I can give her.

I had a date cancel on me yesterday. Someone from POF.com. I was really looking forward to it too, but maybe its for the best she cancelled. I probably did something to deserve it. She had 2 kids and an x husband so it probably wouldn't work out.

I do desire a spouse by the end of the year. I wish to find someone that is interesting, witty, smart, and independent. Someone who wants to share life experiences together, be a partner in crime and in the arts.
Basically I feel like nothing is going on this year, in business, in personal life, in church, in dating, in the arts, and I am really really frustrated with it all.

I am frustrated ALL the time in many different ways. I am BORED. I am POORER than poor. I am LONELY.

and its probably all my fault.